The Not-Yet-Perfect Place

The golden field in which I dwell –

To which I was led by a Gift –

Is but a small reflection of what is to come.

It is imperfect, but a promise of perfection.

The trees seem real and the creatures alive,

But to what purpose are they here?
Why must I dwell in this place when

There is a land much greater than this

Just beyond my reach?

And why is it that sometimes I feel lonely in this place

When sometimes I feel fulfilled by one touch

Of my love, my creator.

And why, when I do feel lonely, do I long

To leave this place?

But the gentle steps around me

Are not to be ignored

No matter how much I try.
How is it that they hold me up, as I hold them up?
Together we talk of this place to which we were led

And learn to love it

And its imperfections.

And oft we are lead to share the Gift

So that more can gather here with us.

And so we dream here together

Of the perfect form of this creation.

Though we may feel alone, it only takes

A simple touch from the Creator

And His creations

To make the stay here –

The wait here –

A little more enjoyable.

If only, if only...

If only I were feeling lyrical/poetic right now, I'd write a poem about what I'm thinking, but in this mindset I don't think I would do myself justice. So, instead, I shall write it out it a not-really artistic way.

After an evening of chatting and chillin with good friends of mine (Eric Chin, Erin Nally, Zach Horst, Kevin Beddow...) I realized that I am really emotionally stressed, and now is the time to unwind with it all...so I took the long way home (and by long way, I mean I drove up and down 249 until my thoughts began to clear).

When I got home, I laid down on the hood of my car and stared up at the cloudy sky. I just stared at it. I began thinking and praying, and I really just unloaded a bunch of crap in my life to God. It's a good thing it was 1 a.m. because if anyone was walking by and had heard me praying out loud they might have thought I was crazy.

There was a pause in my thought process when I realized something as the moon came out from the clouds: there's a huge parallel in what I've been thinking and what nature is showing me.

There were moments when I could see the moon shining as clear as though there was nothing but empty space between us, so much so that I could see the craters and the deep blue sky around it. Then a part of the cloud would race over and cover it up and the light would gradually fade away until it was like the moon was never there at all.

Sometimes I feel like I am walking with God, and I can just feel Him and be with Him, but sometimes I feel like I am just staring at a blank sky, left to lay there by myself, when deep inside I know that He is still there and that He hasn't moved -- that He is unchanging -- just like I knew that the moon was still there... it's just hidden.

God is still there, even when it doesn't feel like He is, and I really needed to hear that.

God is good...

..all the time.

Yesterday (Friday) was crazy. I felt like I was losing my sanity. So much pressure, so many things to do, and I have to do them all perfectly. It was this weird feeling that even though I had time to do stuff, I didn't know what to do with it... I didn't know where to begin. And honestly, I didn't get anything done because I just sat there and thought for a while.

Sometimes, I hate it inside of my head.

Its like a cloud of confusion and chaos just floats around there, and there doesn't seem to be a light shining through.

But suddenly, He was there.

When I got off of work at midnight, I walked outside and randomly walked to the middle of the courtyard and looked up.... and I saw the vast heavens. Yep. In the middle of Houston, I saw stars. It was overwhelming seeing that... seeing that God is greater than my tiny mind and in control of everything. Even if I fail at life, God is still going to use me.

I don't really remember what happened next, but I ended up in the prayer room...crying. I was staring at the Bible sitting in the middle of the table, and I realized that God's Word was the only thing alive in that room.

God started pushing away all my thoughts and made me focus on Him, and He reminded me that He's the goal I'm pushing for, not for perfection, not even (really) a degree or a masters, but Him. If, in my pursuit of glorifying Him, I obtain a degree and a job, then that's a blessing and a reward, but not the end goal.

He made me focus on the different areas of my life. School, sororities, music, friends... what I need to change to improve my life for Christ. I came to realize that (usually) when there's something wrong in my life, I avoid thinking about it because I don't want to deal with it. He pretty much forced me to think through things and deal with them (and in the end, deal with Him).

And THEN, to top it all off, I had a strange dream about marriage (and I NEVER have dreams about marriage) to make me THINK about marriage, which (call me strange) I don't do too often. [The rest of this conversation will be made with close friends. Sorry...]

The Lord is always teaching me new things, and I am so incredibly thankful for His patience and grace because I would hate to see who I would be without it.

This is what happens

when I don't pay attention in Philosophy....

I currently don't have a title for it, and it's unedited, so enjoy it's raw form:
(it's written in the format of a song btw)

[verse]
The people around me have fallen into themselves
It seems like they're living in their own personal hell
They've lost the strength to live in the right of their minds
It is their own escape that they can never find

Where are You in this place?

[chorus]
Send Your light into our darkened world
You're the candle that never flickers as they try to blow You out
Send Your wind and rain and break our barricade
There are no doors, no walls that we can hide behind
Send Your rescue

[verse]
I am stuck in this crowd of chaos
When I run I seem to only get more lost
This makeup they've slathered on my face
Weighs me down as I try to run the race
Makes me blend into this alien place

[chorus]
Send Your light into our darkened world
You're the candle that never flickers as they try to blow You out
Send Your wind and rain and break our barricade
There are no doors, no walls that we can hide behind
Send Your rescue

[bridge]
This freedom - this redemption - in Your eyes will someday rise
When you burn up all of our sins and desires
Those who seek to be free from this world
To them a whole new heaven - the kingdom of heaven - will be revealed

You are everywhere...

[chorus]
Send Your light into our darkened world
You're the candle that never flickers as they try to blow You out
Send Your wind and rain and break our barricade
There are no doors, no walls that we can hide behind
Send Your rescue

1 Timothy 6:11

OMYGOSH THERE IS SO MUCH AWESOMENESS IN SCRIPTURE.
Why in the world did I ever avoid reading it?

Alright, so I've been walking through 1 Timothy (with my lovely new Journal Bible which I love to death) and today there wasn't enough room in the margins for me to write what I was thinking... so I'm blogging it! :)

"But as for you, O man of God, flee these things. Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness." 1 Timothy 6:11

There is so much in this one verse!! It's amazing!

At first, Paul says "But as for you, O man of God." Just before this verse Paul was talking about false teachers and those who basically live for the wrong reasons (that is another section that perhaps I should speak about later, because it's got a lot of juice, too). Paul is contrasting Timothy with false teachers, which is a big deal. Apparently, it's fairly easy to live by earthly standards (who would've thought?) and so many teachers fail to truly and genuinely live by God's standards. Yet Timothy is one who could stand strong and live by true faith. Paul is telling Timothy to live differently than the others, to be a better teacher, to live above reproach.

Side note: "To live above reproach" is basically the theme of all of 1 Timothy. Which is awesome.

So Paul contrasts Timothy with other teachers, which is an honor, and therefore we should strive to be contrasted with other believers as well. God calls us to not live by the worlds standards and to not live for our own desires but to live above reproach and to live by God's will. It always makes me so happy when people (in essence) ask: What is it that makes you different? Why don't you seem like a normal person? And the answer is: Because I've got a new life from Jesus Christ, I have the Holy Spirit inside me, and I strive to live by God's standards. These things SHOULD distinguish us from the nonbelievers (but it doesn't always). Therefore:

Lesson 1: Live above the desires of your flesh and live by God's standards so that you may be distinguished from others, therefore bringing glory to God's great name.

Paul then instructs Timothy to "flee from these things." "These things" include (but are not limited too): false teachings, conceit, cravings for controversy, gains of the world that are unnecessary, and greed. Flee these things. That means as soon as you have any intentions of them, get down on your knees and beg God to get rid of them or help you fight them. There's no hope of us fighting these desires alone because they are in our nature, but God has offered us help and rescue from it all. We need to guard our thoughts and our hearts. It's incredibly hard to do with this openly sinful world we live in, but we have to learn how to not dwell on them and fill our thoughts with the holiness of God.

Here's an interesting thing: do you ever feel like you're just weathering the world? That you're just standing there, letting these struggles and sins of the world pass you by as you stand there fighting to resist them? Well, here's a slap: we are instructed to FLEE. God understands that we are weak and stupid, so we can't just take on these temptations: we need to FLEE. Now I'm not saying we should all move to a desert somewhere and live perfect lives (like that could ever be possible anyway) but merely reiterating what I was stating earlier. We're basically, by the grace of God, fleeing from ourselves. We flee by crucifying ourselves to the world. We flee by allowing the Holy Spirit to take over our lives and dwelling on the Lord and praying constantly and living every moment to glorify His name. Obviously we can't literally flee from everything, but we are instructed to avoid these temptations.

God will put us in situations where we are face to face with temptation and sins, and sometimes we are led to flee and sometimes we are led to stay there. Either way, you are to guard yourselves from temptations. So this is where Lesson 2 is found:

Lesson 2: Flee from the temptations of the world by guarding our minds and hearts and by keeping our eyes on God.

Now, let's look at the last half: "Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness."

Does it say: "Stand there and wait for these things to come to you."
Nope.
It says "pursue." PURSUE.

I am so incredibly guilty of standing around waiting for God to make me a better person. It wasn't until this past year of my life that I realized that God wouldn't change me until I tried to change myself. I had to want to live a virtuous life and start trying to live one in order for God to bless my struggles and change me.

It makes sense to pursue righteousness, godliness, steadfastness and gentleness because these are actions and characteristics. But he tell us to pursue faith and love.
Um...what?
How do I pursue faith? How do I pursue love?

So here are my thoughts, which are by no means the ultimate answer (and this applies to everything I say).

You can pursue love (I believe) by practicing love. I've always been told that if you pray for a person, you come to love them. I've also been told that if you love on a person (though you may not actually love them) you will come to love them. So perhaps the intentions here are that you learn how to love, which (by the way) only God can give you. God has shown me day by day how to love all the different sorts of people: brothers, sisters, and nonbelievers. You have to pursue that love. You have to try to love them, live with the intentions of loving them, show them what love is. Then God will bless you with a genuine love for them.

Pursuing faith... this is a difficult one for me to think about. I'm going to give a shout-out to Trey Weise in his blog, because he wrote about a "Faith to Move Mountains" (which was the title of the blog...). In summary, Trey came to the conclusion that the faith to move mountains isn't a solid and doubt-free one, but instead a small faith that even when you are unsure, you still do what God says. Faith is "taking a blind step" as so many have said. Faith is that, even though you may have doubts that what God is telling you makes sense, you do it anyway. So in order to pursue faith, you must strive to obey God at every turn, no matter how much you might not understand why.

Lesson 3: In order to obtain righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, and gentleness, you must pursue them by living a life in which you practice and live by them.

So to tie it all together: Live a life above reproach that will set you apart from the rest of the world BY guarding your hearts and minds from the temptations of the world AND pursuing qualities that are of God.

Isn't scripture amazing?!

A Fitting Quote

Lately, I've been feeling like I don't have any time for anything.
Like I can't get anything done, and when I do it, it isn't done right.

So a quote came to mind that perfectly embodies how I feel.

"Thin and stretched, like too much butter over too much bread."

Feeling vs. Knowing

So here's something that's been on my mind for a while.

I've really been considering the difference between thinking and feeling. For girls, this is a weird thing to deal with, taking into account that we females tend to revolve around our emotions. But what we as Christ-following females have to understand is that we can NOT depend on our emotions for things.

I believe that while emotions can catalyze our relationship with Christ, it can also severely hinder it if not under control. Notice the words: if not under control. If emotions and feelings are kept in check and seem rational, they're good. If we let them take over everything, they're NOT good.

It's important for us to match up what we feel with what we know. If what we know supports our emotion, then it's a good emotion, while if what we know does not support our emotion, then it's a bad emotion.

Let me illustrate:

I feel joyful and loved. I know that God loves me and I have many things to be thankful for.
I am feeling a good emotion.

I feel happy that I stole those candles from Yankee Candle. I know that God tells us not to steal.
I am feeling a bad emotion.

...and yes, I'm spelling this out like a kindergarten teacher...

But here, let's make things more complicated and more real-life.

You know when you "feel" alone and you "feel" like God isn't on your side? You write depressing songs about depression and loneliness and independence that (for some reason) everyone likes. But think for a second: what do you know? Do you recall that God promises to never leave you and to always love you? He never promised you perfect days, but He asks you to bring Him glory in all situations. (I think of "Desert Song" in this situation)

Or how about this, worldly children. You know that girl/guy that you're attracted to. Yeah, they're nice and sweet, but how is their faith? Oh, but they ARE cute. But... what do you know about their faith? You feel like you should be with them, but what do you know? You KNOW that if they're not edifying you, you should not take part in that relationship. With some time spent with God and in the word, I'm sure you'd come to that same conclusion.

Just think about it sometimes: is what I'm feeling supported by what I know from the Bible? From what God has told me?

Seriously. Think about it.

Bad at Wrestling

My goodness.

Do you ever have a day where you're just slammed with convictions? Sometimes it's like God gathers all these things to hit me with, chooses a day, and throws them all at me at the same time. I'm not sure that's biblical, but it sure does feel that way.

One thing God is really pressuring me to do is grow up. I know we all think we're mature here, "oh, look, I graduated high school! I'm grown up and independent!" and even for some: "I survived my first year of college! I'm so mature!" but really, we're children.

And recently, I've been acting like a child. More childish than I have been in a while. I laugh at my own stupidity.

You know how, in Genesis, Jacob literally wrestles with God? I really feel that way about my life right now. But God has (of course) been defeating me. It's like he has me face down on the ground, and there is obviously no hope for me, but yet I keep on struggling. I refuse to lose.

I'm being stubborn.

Long story short, I haven't been getting what I want. You most likely just thought in a sarcastic tone, "Oh, that's mature." But that's the whole point of this post. I'm not being mature. I'm being stupid and childish. And I'm openly admitting it because I hope that we all understand this:

We are all immature.

We are all ignorant.

Of course, some are more mature than others, and some are smarter, but in comparison to God, we're little brainless infants. And we forget that. If you know a lot more than other people, then God has revealed that to you. He's still got a bucket full of things you may never know or understand.

Now, when I was meditating about this and why I'm being stubborn, I was convicted of something else.

Why am I being stubborn? Why do I refuse to lose?
Because of how I'm measuring myself.

I've been very unhappy with myself. I'm just not the best at anything anymore. Back in the day (last year) I was comparably smart and one of the best singers. This past year I've been around better performers and singers, and I've been shot down by curriculum (I got a few B's, which I don't like). I don't know if it's everyone or if I just have a self-confidence issue but I like to be the best at something. I like to feel special.

I've set my standards, I've failed myself, therefore I'm unhappy with myself, and consequently unhappy with God.

I'm so tired of being defeated. I'm so tired of losing. I'm so tired of being just another person. I'm fighting God because I'm so tired of having my face slammed into the dirt (ironically).

I think that one thing, among many, that God is trying to teach me is that what he thinks about me is the only thought that matters.

Sadly, until I swallow and truly understand that information, God will continue to rip my pride from me and use it to smack me in the face.

Honestly people, I feel like God is completely tearing me apart. He's ripping my flesh and my human desires from my clenched fists. He wants to utterly destroy every part of me that keeps him from consuming me. He's forcing me to my knees.

Oddly enough, there's a part of me cheering for him. I know what will happen in the end: he will remake me. Rebuild me. Perfect me. And he will perfect me using himself. He will be a greater part of me. And then there's part of me that's simply refusing to give up, and I'm not sure how to tell it to stop resisting.

Perhaps God really does have to destroy me before I give up. Perhaps God really does have to raze me to the ground in order to raise me up.

I feel like some strange prisoner who's fighting "The Man," but who also knows that "The Man" will win and "The Man" is always right. "The Man" is only doing it out of love for me, and I know that.

Long story short: God has me face down on the ground with my arm twisted behind my back telling me to say "uncle" but I won't because I'm tired of losing and I'm just plain immature.

I know it's an "iffy" thing to say that I am "fighting" with God, but I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. I know I have no more hope of defeating God than an ant does to an ent, and I also know that the sin in me has already been defeated, so there is my disclaimer. If you don't understand what I'm trying to say.... sorry.

If you so choose, please pray for me, that I would humble myself, accept defeat, and give whatever I'm holding back to him.

Continuation of To Forgive or Not To Forgive

Here's something that the amazing and wonderful Marilyn Maddox taught me.

You don't just wake up one day and think "Yeah, I'll forgive them."

It's a process.

You have to pray for God to humble you, to teach you how to use the strength he's given you, to open your heart. You need time and determination. Time because you grow away from the situation, and determination because you have to push yourself to not let the situation dig into your heart. You can't think about it all the time.

You can't sit around mumbling to yourself about how you can't forgive them. You can't think about it all the time, or else it will burn you up. You have to fight your mind so that you don't think about it. Go read a book. Call a friend. Start a project. Do something that focuses your mind on something else. When you push your mind away from it, it just becomes a part of the past. You'll learn that it doesn't hurt you anymore. You'll learn that it just doesn't matter any more. You move on.

God did this amazing thing by rescuing us from sin, because he rescued us from the flesh, from ourselves. We, as believers, do not have to give in to these earthly desires. These desires for revenge. These strange desires for this earthly satisfaction of having a scar in our lives. We can conquer these, and control ourselves. Why not use this?

So where I am right now is in the waiting stage. Not to say that I'm not doing anything, because I'm just waiting for the ability for me to forgive and move on to come. While I'm waiting, I'm praying, I'm pushing the thoughts away from me, and I'm simply forcing myself to move on. No longer can I let this inability to forgive hold me back spiritually and emotionally.

Forgiveness. It doesn't always just happen in a moment. But we can forgive with God's guidance and with the strength he has given us.

To Forgive or Not To Forgive

I think it's time we had a little talk about forgiveness.
And I mean little, because I'm still learning about it.

As little tykes, we were taught about sharing and forgiveness. God tells us to forgive as we have been forgiven. How many times should I forgive him? Oh, 70 x 7? Well, that seems like a lot... but whatever you say, Jesus.

Christ drills into our heads the importance of love and forgiveness. And for those of us who have Christ in them, it's quite easy to forgive many people for many things. And if you are easy going about things, it's even easier.

What, you forgot to bring my $5 that you owe me? Whatevs. Try to remember tomorrow.

Why is this so easy? Well (a) they're probably feeling guilty and begging for forgiveness anyway and (b) it really isn't a big deal.

What if the situation were like this?

What, you forgot to bring the $5 I needed to pay the rest of the tab so that now I could possibly be arrested or I have to beg for money from someone else?

Unrealistic? Possibly. But be honest. If this were the situation, wouldn't it be harder to forgive them?

God calls for us to forgive both of these people in both of these situations. He asks us to forgive the person in the second situation just as easily as we forgave the person in the first situation.

What would make matters worse is if the person in the second situation wasn't sorry and didn't apologize.

If you're human, that irks you, too.

-Oh, I forgot your $5. Woops.

-Wow, look at this mess I got you into!

-My bad. That sucks how much this ruins your life.

-*laughter*

Yes, it annoys me, too. If anything, it just makes me wrestle with God even more, because I don't want to forgive them.

Heck, they didn't ask for forgiveness, so why should I forgive them?

Well, I'm pretty sure I didn't ask for God to die for me so I would be forgiven of anything. I didn't ask God to conquer death. I didn't ask God to show the ultimate act of love by sending His son to the cross. And, sometimes, I value pride over honor and I won't ask for forgiveness, either.

But God did all those things. Without me asking, and without a second thought, God did.

As a Christian, I strive to live the WWJD life, including the life Jesus lead forgiving everyone. Not just the whole wiping-my-sins-away forgiveness, but his own personal forgiveness to people that personally wronged him. He forgave Peter, who denied him. He forgave the people who crucified him.

Who that crap do I think I am that I can withhold forgiveness from anyone when Christ forgave the people, the very guilty and sinful people, who CRUCIFIED him?! He was dying and in so much incredible pain and he said, "They don't know what they're doing, so forgive them." I'm fairly certain that I'd be spitting on them, possibly throwing out a few bad words here and there, and yelling at them, plotting my revenge as a ghost to haunt their stupid lives.

Be honest, you know you wouldn't be too graceful about it, either.

But we, as Christ followers, must strive to be like him. Therefore, we must forgive.

I was convicted not too long ago that I had never forgiven a few people for wronging me. Part of it was that it never occurred to me that I should. The other part of it is... I don't want to. They haven't (and most likely will not) asked for forgiveness.

I'm struggling with this. These people have wronged me more than I've ever been wronged, they're the few that have never asked for forgiveness, and I just hold this incredible grudge against them, mostly subconsciously.

I've been praying about it, and I think that's all I can do for now. Why not learn forgiveness from the ultimate forgiver?

If I learn anything new, any hints or wisdom, I'll be sure to let you know.

Short summary

Here's a summary of all that matters right now:

My relationship with Christ is a little rocky right now, but His convictions are strong and humbling, and I'm working my way back.

I got a 90.8 on my bio 2 lab final, and all i needed was an 85!! I would have gotten a higher grade, too, if someone hadn't of been stupid and cheated on a question. Lame. BUT I got higher than I needed to get a B in Bio, so all that's left is the lecture final!

I have three tests: one tomorrow in Psych, and two on Friday, in Government and Chem lab.

Friday is also my audition to get into the top choir here. WISH ME LUCK.

3 day weekend... monday is a dead day for everyone to study.

Saturday I have a group interview for a job at the YMCA to be a camp counselor, and the graduation party is that day, too, so I might be late........

and finals all next week!

THEN SUMMER. *happy sigh*

Hawaii is ON. June 5th-12th SO EXCITED.

And perhaps Kenya? We'll see. Maybe this year. Maybe next year.

Anyway, for those who cared, this is summary of my chaotic life right now.

Keep me in your prayers, please, for continued growth in Christ and for some peace!

Love you all =)

Imparting Wisdom

One of the many things I am thankful for in my previous relationship with Riley was that he (basically) put a book (Don't Waste Your Life, to be exact) in my hands and told me to read it.

After I (finally) opened my heart, I was changed. I grew. Simple as that.

I'm so incredibly thankful for the leaders who are gifted in speech and/or writing. If read/listened to with an open heart and an open mind, God reveals, convicts, and loves.

It saddens me when I just don't have time to read the books or listen to the sermons. Usually, the times I have no time for it are the times I really need it. (And, regrettably, sometimes the times I really need it are the times I don't really want to read it/listen to it.)

The point I'm making is that I'm thankful for the wisdom, love, and conviction that God provides through His followers. They are vessels for His glory, and I find it wondrous and amazing that we are blessed with such great resources. The leaders that God has appointed openly and continuously impart wisdom and Spirit-given words to us, the thirsty, growing children.

I can't help but praise God for those true leaders He has blessed us with.

A Goal

So, for today, April 20th, 2010, Marilyn and I promised to attempt to be nice to everyone. That means: no sarcasm or witty replies. Only compliments, neutral comments, or just walking away from situations that are too tempting (there have already been a lot of those... and it's only 45 minutes into the day).

This is something I've always struggled with. I don't think that insulting each other for fun is inherently bad (it's just a type of humor) but I am guilty of using it to vent my anger. Meaning that what is perceived by others as my normal sense of humor is really me being genuinely angry. I don't think that's a good thing.

I'm going to try to be nicer.

Now, I will still have the same sense of humor. I can't change that. I'll still be sarcastic, and if there's an incredible opportunity for a burn, I'll totally take it, but I'm going to be more careful with what I say and when I say it.

Well, I'm going to try, anyway.

I don't want the way I talk to people to be the means by which I vent my anger. I need to vent genuinely to get my anger out. One time, I paced across Marilyn's room for a good while, talking to Marilyn directly about the subject that made me angry, and it really felt good. I don't know why I bother spreading my venting across the day by being rude to people.

And yes, it is admittedly sad that some people don't know the difference between truly-rude me and sarcastic-rude me. That should change. I should really just not be rude to people I'm not close with. My good friends get it (and retaliate) but acquaintances shouldn't have to deal with it.

Actually, some people might think something is wrong when they realize I'm being nice all the time.

This will be really hard for me, sarcasm and witty-comments being the sense of humor by which I was raised, but if it is displeasing in the eyes of God, I've got to tone it down. A lot.

I'll make sure and let you know if I reach my goal! If I don't, I'm going to keep trying till I get it right.

Classes... *sigh

This isn't really an "enlightened" post
I'm just avoiding going to sleep because I'm a little... depressed.

I've been extremely stressed because of classes and finals coming up. As far as it seems, I'm getting straight B's. So frustrating.

Biology is what frustrates me the most. I just can't do well on her tests. I love the information, and enjoy the class, and I can even recite nearly everything back you word for word, but I can't get A's! I don't know what it is! I've been getting B's, which is acceptable (average, but acceptable), but I just learned I got a 67 on my last test.
Epic fail. How the crap can I do well in that class, now?!

I think it will take me a lifetime to learn what it means to not worry. There are some things I don't stress about because I can put them out of my mind... but how do you not stress about grades? How do I leave things like my classes in God's hands?

I have faith in the assurance that I can't screw any of God's plans up, and that everything is in His will, but I also know that we must work.
But I also know that God will provide for me.

I'm stressed because I only have two weeks left till finals. I have to do REALLY WELL on my finals. Then comes summer, and I don't have a job yet (not too many people are hiring). I need to get some money for the mission trip this summer. And I just need to figure out what God wants to do with me.

I don't know, guys. I'm just freaking out. It's getting harder for me to stay focused when I'm praying and reading God's word and I can't hardly sleep. I don't know what's going on, I just want it to go away.

Don't get the wrong idea here. I still rejoice in all that God has given me. It's just that I get in these strange situations where I'm so joyful in God's grace, and yet I...
well, I just don't know. Maybe this is just a metaphorical valley I have to trudge through.

*sigh

Please keep me in your prayers.

This was more of a boring, venting kind of blog, so I apologize.
But if you've read this far, congrats =)
I'll try to make the next one more exciting.

Alive

Recently, I've felt the love of God burning in me.
I've never felt this way before!

It's like I've finally realized
"God really does love me, and God really will take care of me."

It's strange.
I'm not living in satisfaction that everything will be okay, or that everything will turn out alright, but that I'm pleasing God. Because I know that the only way I can achieve true joy is through striving to follow Christ. My life doesn't have to be perfect or even happy (by worldly standard), really, for me to know joy.

And that's the selfish reason.

God has given me a strong desire to live according to the way He wants me to live. I want to live for Him and for His glory because, yes, it brings joy and peace to my life, but it also is just what I want to do... because God wants me to.

I'm not sure how to explain that one.

I've been having less-than-perfect days, even bad days, and yet somehow I've never been happier. Heck, I failed a test that could bring my score down one or even two letter grades, but I'm at peace. My flesh is screaming in frustration, but I know everything's okay. Hey, if I fail this class, what does that mean God wants from me? What is God trying to convey to me and my dense self? How is He trying to use me in this?

And I'm not even emotionally stable! I'm not always happy, sometimes I'm even a little depressed, and I'm not always thinking happy thoughts, but I am at peace when I get over myself. And underneath there's a joy that I can feel growing.

I don't care what you say, world. You say my faith suppresses me and my life.

But I've never felt more free to live.

Living my life for Christ is the only way to live.

Sitting on the back porch...

is where I wrote this. In Oklahoma. It's beautiful here. =)

How I’ve missed the silence of nature.
The life around me revitalizes my soul
This chaos that I’ve been living in-
-this sorrow I’m drowning in-
Is silenced.
The raw form of God’s creation
Thriving before my eyes.
Sitting here makes me wonder…
Why have I ever worried at all?
The ocean of life takes me
Tosses me around
I’m disoriented and drowning and I don’t even know it till
I’m sitting on the beach
Watching the waves that once controlled me
Be subdued by the very sand that
Plays between my toes.
Until I’m at peace with my soul.
Peace.
Oh, sweet peace.
My heart slows down.
My muscles relax slowly.
I breathe in the innocence
The newness
The silence.
Sitting here makes me wonder…
Why have I ever worried at all?

so... what is "Thy Will"?

Really, it's a valid question. Why do we pray that "Thy Will be done" when we know that His Will will be done? Is it a hope that no matter our mistakes and failures God's supremacy over everything will still bring us to where He wants us to be? Is it just a reminder to ourselves that His Will is what we should desire? Or is it just some sort of formality, recognizing God's power?

Honestly, I think we forget the power of His Will sometimes. I know I do. I believe that, theoretically, I can make mistakes and still end up where God wants me to be. We could get into this "well, how can you make mistakes that aren't in His Will when His Will is always occuring" or whatever, but that's a debate over misnomers and dichotomies and*insert big words here*. Here, I understand that God is victorious over everything, and man is fallen. Man has a free will, but God is supreme. Complicated, confusing, debatable, whatever.. you can get over it, or stop reading. =)

Many people have questions about what happens if they disobeyed God.
Here are hypothetical situations that many people have experience:
Example #1: Choosing college: I felt called to go to University A, but in my selfishness I said yes to University B, and I am now attending University B.

Sometimes God makes it impossible to make the wrong decision. Like he would have University B decline you, or University B lost all your paperwork and blames it on you... or they wont give you money. But sometimes God says "well, alright. whatever." And lets you make mistakes. But does that mean that you are officially "out of God's Will" and you'll end up some place where you're just miserable and lonely? I don't think so. I think you will end up exactly where God has always planned for you to be, it just might not be what God really really wanted for you.

Example #2: dating and marriage: So I was dating this dude, but I did something bad and ruined our relationship, and we are now no longer together. What if he was the one I was supposed to marry? Did I ruin my chances of happiness with my true love?

Now there are many possibilities and situational issues in this one. But the main question here is "what if he was the one I was supposed to marry?" and my question back is "Do you not believe that God is sovereign over your mistakes, too?" If he's the one you're supposed to marry, then God will work through the issues to make the future marriage more amazing.

This is debatable, I know, as is about everything else I've said, but this is what I believe. I believe that in the end, I will be who, what, and where I'm supposed to be, though I may have taken different pathways than what God wanted for me.

This is what His Will is.
When we pray "Thy Will be done" we are stating that it WILL be done, no matter what. We are reminding ourselves that God is greater than the mistakes we make.

"For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men." -1 Corinthians 1:25

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?!?!?!
It means He is greater than me, it means He is greater than us, it means that EVEN if God were a fool, He'd be smarter than any one of us. EVEN IF God were weak, He'd STILL be stronger than all of us. ISN'T THAT AMAZING?

ISN'T GOD AMAZING?
(can I get an AMEN?)

This verse reminds me that God is so so so so SO sovereign over EVERYTHING. SO glorious and wonderful and awesome and powerful that when we wee-little things make mistakes, God says "well, alright, I don't want you to go that way because I love you, but you'll still end up where you're supposed to be, because I love you and you are mine."

IT'S SO AWESOMMMMME.

Praise the Lord God!! HALLELUJAH!!

So, today.

First class is at 8 on MWF, and that class is (duh duh duh DUH) General Chemistry 1. We had our first quiz (we're supposed to have on every class) and I totally forgot one of the answers... till he said to turn them in and suddenly I remembered! I'd hate to fail the first grade I ever got in that class. The teacher (Dr. Trevino) seems like a sweet guy. Socially awkward (as many younger scientists are) but he wants to be everyone's friend. Also, he teaches REALLY fast. It's simple stuff now, but I'm scared for when we get to harder stuff.

Afterwards, Stephanie and Anju, both of whom are in my biology and chemistry classes, came and chilled in my dorm because they're commuters and I didn't have class till 10.

That class at 10 is American and Texas government. The professor (Dr. Hammons) is pretty awesome, but I don't trust his beliefs. He "jokingly" insults every person in there, and I just think it's a little excessive. He also likes to ask really broad and vague questions, or questions that no one would know the answer to but him. Seems a bit unfair, yes?

Next, Aimara (a Phi Mu sister) and I ran over to convocation, or chapel, or whatever you want to call it. The dude who led worship had a BEAUTIFUL voice and played the piano wonderfully. That was all good until I noticed two girls (from Phi Mu, mind you) who were making fun of the people worshiping. Kathleen (my big sis), Christiana (my twin), and I talked about it later (rather angrily) and Kathleen is going to approach them the next meeting about being rude and bad examples of Phi Mu.

Convocation is not exactly the prime place for worship or learning, because half of the people just want to get their CLW points that are required for graduation. So they sit there and talk or mess around and I just get frustrated. If it weren't for the fact that I have to go because of Phi Mu rules, I probably wouldn't. It just makes me too sad.

Kathleen and I then went to burger king for the healthy food (ahem) and just to talk. Of course, she asked about Riley and I and I talked about it. She talked about how she and her bf went through the same thing, but they stayed in the relationship. She said it would have been better if they had broken up for that time. It made me feel better about Riley's decision.

Nothing too dramatic happened after that... I took a nap, went to choir, worked out, ate. Now I'm procrastinating studying for a biology quiz tomorrow. Haha it's the beginning of the year, and I'm already procrastinating. uh oh.

I did make a playlist called "Awesome." that contains Phil Wickham, Downhere, Derek Webb, Jimmy Needham, Bethany Dillon, and Andrew Peterson. This makes me happy. =)

Well, until another day, friends!

growing up.

Never before have I been okay with moving on in life.
It's painful, and scary, but I know I need to grow up.
Part of me, the flesh, wants me to stay here, keep things the same, keep things comfortable.
But the undeniable truth is that I've got to move on. I've got to grow.
I've got to let go of the comfortable things. Things that I held on to for dear life. Things I depended on too much.

I'm being taught that I need to wholly depend on Christ and his love. I need no one else and no one else to love me.
I'm being taught that I can't depend on people to change me. I need to be able to change and grow on my own, with guidance and encouragement from others.

I've got a long way to go to be able to date anyone again.
I won't date again until I've reached a point where I can stand on my own, love Christ first, then love that person.

I understand that I've got to grow and change, but it's painful, and a little lonely (at least right now).
I'm praying for strength, wisdom, and provision of what/who i need to learn from.

A break-up is always difficult, but I don't think we could have broken-up for a better and more solid reason.
We are two kids who (one earlier than the other) discovered that they've got to grow more before being mature enough to be in a solid relationship.

Please keep me in your prayers for strength and growth.