myself and my flesh

We, as humans, have an innate desire to do something bad. This is called flesh. The influence of the world. And even our own experiences show us that doing something wrong can make you feel good. Whether it be gossiping, lying, or flirting with someone when you’re in a relationship with someone else. I, as a human, will always have this internal struggle to do something dishonorable; that is, until I achieve a Christ-like spirit.

It’s sad to say that sometimes I have to search for something to do to let lose my desire to do something wrong, in hopes of finding something that’s not that bad.
When a guy comes up to me and starts flirting, it’s hard for me to not flirt back. Not because I’m not interested in the one I’m with, and not because I seek the excitement of cheating on him (this I hope I never desire) but because it’s a fun game to play. Flirting is just a fun thing for people, and I am not excluded from this group. But when I pull myself from a situation of flirtation, I spend the day thinking about it, and how frustrated my flesh is. I feel the need to do something that is not yet sin, but not the best thing. Something to satisfy my flesh. Honestly, I’m horrified that if I hold it all in, someday it will all come out as one hungry desire that could destroy me.

I’ve never really been all that good at self-control, so pulling myself away from a flirtatious boy or a gossiping group is really a step up for me. Not saying that this is an excuse for what I do now, but I have to acknowledge a little growth inside of me.

I hope one day I wont need these vents, or perhaps I’ll find a vent that fools that desire inside of me into thinking it’s been quenched, but really its honorable to God.
I’m struggling here in college into trying to be a good girl, and honestly sometimes I just want a pat on the back instead of a “this is all that you’ve done wrong”
I’ve seen the options I’ve had and where they could have taken me, and so far I think I’ve done a pretty darn good job.

I know it’s selfish of me, but I just wish I could get an “atta girl” for what I’ve done right.
By the way, it’s most likely that whatever you want to lecture me over is something I’ve already known about and been convicted for.

I’m just trying my best here, but I know I make mistakes and my discernment is off. I don’t see things the way the world sees them, which gives me a disadvantage in discerning things.

I’m not always right, but I’m not always wrong. And sometimes my flesh gets the better of me, but I’m not drowning, and I’m not going to be doing anything life-changing. I’ve resisted cheating (on Riley and on tests) and drinking and gossiping and lying and judging and wrath and greed and laziness and gluttony, etc etc.
But why is it that I do one thing wrong, and suddenly I’m a dirty sinful college girl who has changed? Why is my faith suddenly in question?

I’m not succeeding but I’m not failing either. Sure, get on my case if God leads you to, but every once in a while, encourage me. I’m trying here, and being a Christian girl is miserable sometimes.

I’m known as the Christian girl. They come to me with problems, and ask me about God sometimes. They avoid dirty jokes or explaining things that I don’t understand because (they say) they don’t want to ruin me. I even get those awkward looks when a joke is made and they say “You don’t get it, do you?” and when I say no they say “of course you don’t” and move on.
I get weird looks when people defend themselves and I say “the Bible does NOT say that” or I say “God doesn’t like that, I’m sure.”
Or when, the other day, I said, “Actually, the Bible is COMPLETELY against premarital sex, so there’s no point in arguing with me.”
And I was elected to be chaplain for the sorority.
Come on, I’m doing SOMETHING right…

I guess my whole point is that I’m not perfect, but I hope that I can get a little bit more support from some people. I’m not saying YOU who is reading this, it’s really directed at certain people, but I do hope you understand what I am saying, because I have rambled. I have no excuse for what I’ve done wrong and will do wrong, and I know that. But Christ is growing me more and more, and I hope that you notice that, too, before you notice my imperfections.