Alive

Recently, I've felt the love of God burning in me.
I've never felt this way before!

It's like I've finally realized
"God really does love me, and God really will take care of me."

It's strange.
I'm not living in satisfaction that everything will be okay, or that everything will turn out alright, but that I'm pleasing God. Because I know that the only way I can achieve true joy is through striving to follow Christ. My life doesn't have to be perfect or even happy (by worldly standard), really, for me to know joy.

And that's the selfish reason.

God has given me a strong desire to live according to the way He wants me to live. I want to live for Him and for His glory because, yes, it brings joy and peace to my life, but it also is just what I want to do... because God wants me to.

I'm not sure how to explain that one.

I've been having less-than-perfect days, even bad days, and yet somehow I've never been happier. Heck, I failed a test that could bring my score down one or even two letter grades, but I'm at peace. My flesh is screaming in frustration, but I know everything's okay. Hey, if I fail this class, what does that mean God wants from me? What is God trying to convey to me and my dense self? How is He trying to use me in this?

And I'm not even emotionally stable! I'm not always happy, sometimes I'm even a little depressed, and I'm not always thinking happy thoughts, but I am at peace when I get over myself. And underneath there's a joy that I can feel growing.

I don't care what you say, world. You say my faith suppresses me and my life.

But I've never felt more free to live.

Living my life for Christ is the only way to live.

Sitting on the back porch...

is where I wrote this. In Oklahoma. It's beautiful here. =)

How I’ve missed the silence of nature.
The life around me revitalizes my soul
This chaos that I’ve been living in-
-this sorrow I’m drowning in-
Is silenced.
The raw form of God’s creation
Thriving before my eyes.
Sitting here makes me wonder…
Why have I ever worried at all?
The ocean of life takes me
Tosses me around
I’m disoriented and drowning and I don’t even know it till
I’m sitting on the beach
Watching the waves that once controlled me
Be subdued by the very sand that
Plays between my toes.
Until I’m at peace with my soul.
Peace.
Oh, sweet peace.
My heart slows down.
My muscles relax slowly.
I breathe in the innocence
The newness
The silence.
Sitting here makes me wonder…
Why have I ever worried at all?