you know its kinda funny...this whole worrying about my future thing...

when i pray i ask "what do you want me to do?"

i never realized that i shouldnt be asking that

because when i did i was asking 'what do you want me to do...with MY life?"

goodness. thats so stupid of me.
i gave up my life a long time ago...
and i still havent realized it.
i still think i'm living MY life
and not God's life..

thats a horrible way to say it but idk how else to.

but who am i to ask what to do with my life?
if i wanted to make my own decisions, i shouldnt have asked God to come into my life in the first place. that invitation gave God the controls over my life, so that i may live a life in Christ, not in myself.

Now, I'm not saying it's horrible to think in terms of "oh i should do this" sometimes, because situationally the best answer will come through that kind of thinking.
I actually recommend thinking "would this honor God?" in any situation.
but im coming to realize, as i await the long-time-in-coming answer of what to do with my life, that my life isnt my life to live...its my life ive given to God and for the purpose of His glorification.

meaning that if God gave me the gift of singing, and my singing honors God, then perhaps i should use that.

ive slowly come to the realization that God blessed me with the gift of singing for some reason...hmm...well maybe its cuz i should sing?

now that still leaves alot of questions unanswered... because its still possible to have another profession along with singing... or should my singing be my only thing? i know i dont have to worry about the money and stuff because God will provide if i'm within His will, but i cant help but consider it.

really and truly, if money werent a concern, i would sing.
is that a sign?

i have to give my life up fully to God, for God. and pray that in trusting my life to God, things will happen the way God wills them to...

its not up to me to make the decisions...yet i feel the pressure of choosing these things because i am the one who puts it on paper... and i'm still not sure what to do with that.

i hope i continue to learn.