My goodness.
Do you ever have a day where you're just slammed with convictions? Sometimes it's like God gathers all these things to hit me with, chooses a day, and throws them all at me at the same time. I'm not sure that's biblical, but it sure does feel that way.
One thing God is really pressuring me to do is grow up. I know we all think we're mature here, "oh, look, I graduated high school! I'm grown up and independent!" and even for some: "I survived my first year of college! I'm so mature!" but really, we're children.
And recently, I've been acting like a child. More childish than I have been in a while. I laugh at my own stupidity.
You know how, in Genesis, Jacob literally wrestles with God? I really feel that way about my life right now. But God has (of course) been defeating me. It's like he has me face down on the ground, and there is obviously no hope for me, but yet I keep on struggling. I refuse to lose.
I'm being stubborn.
Long story short, I haven't been getting what I want. You most likely just thought in a sarcastic tone, "Oh, that's mature." But that's the whole point of this post. I'm not being mature. I'm being stupid and childish. And I'm openly admitting it because I hope that we all understand this:
We are all immature.
We are all ignorant.
Of course, some are more mature than others, and some are smarter, but in comparison to God, we're little brainless infants. And we forget that. If you know a lot more than other people, then God has revealed that to you. He's still got a bucket full of things you may never know or understand.
Now, when I was meditating about this and why I'm being stubborn, I was convicted of something else.
Why am I being stubborn? Why do I refuse to lose?
Because of how I'm measuring myself.
I've been very unhappy with myself. I'm just not the best at anything anymore. Back in the day (last year) I was comparably smart and one of the best singers. This past year I've been around better performers and singers, and I've been shot down by curriculum (I got a few B's, which I don't like). I don't know if it's everyone or if I just have a self-confidence issue but I like to be the best at something. I like to feel special.
I've set my standards, I've failed myself, therefore I'm unhappy with myself, and consequently unhappy with God.
I'm so tired of being defeated. I'm so tired of losing. I'm so tired of being just another person. I'm fighting God because I'm so tired of having my face slammed into the dirt (ironically).
I think that one thing, among many, that God is trying to teach me is that what he thinks about me is the only thought that matters.
Sadly, until I swallow and truly understand that information, God will continue to rip my pride from me and use it to smack me in the face.
Honestly people, I feel like God is completely tearing me apart. He's ripping my flesh and my human desires from my clenched fists. He wants to utterly destroy every part of me that keeps him from consuming me. He's forcing me to my knees.
Oddly enough, there's a part of me cheering for him. I know what will happen in the end: he will remake me. Rebuild me. Perfect me. And he will perfect me using himself. He will be a greater part of me. And then there's part of me that's simply refusing to give up, and I'm not sure how to tell it to stop resisting.
Perhaps God really does have to destroy me before I give up. Perhaps God really does have to raze me to the ground in order to raise me up.
I feel like some strange prisoner who's fighting "The Man," but who also knows that "The Man" will win and "The Man" is always right. "The Man" is only doing it out of love for me, and I know that.
Long story short: God has me face down on the ground with my arm twisted behind my back telling me to say "uncle" but I won't because I'm tired of losing and I'm just plain immature.
I know it's an "iffy" thing to say that I am "fighting" with God, but I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. I know I have no more hope of defeating God than an ant does to an ent, and I also know that the sin in me has already been defeated, so there is my disclaimer. If you don't understand what I'm trying to say.... sorry.
If you so choose, please pray for me, that I would humble myself, accept defeat, and give whatever I'm holding back to him.
