Elucidation and Illumination

The Not-Yet-Perfect Place

2010-12-05T10:39:00.000-08:00

The golden field in which I dwell –

To which I was led by a Gift –

Is but a small reflection of what is to come.

It is imperfect, but a promise of perfection.

The trees seem real and the creatures alive,

But to what purpose are they here?
Why must I dwell in this place when

There is a land much greater than this

Just beyond my reach?

And why is it that sometimes I feel lonely in this place

When sometimes I feel fulfilled by one touch

Of my love, my creator.

And why, when I do feel lonely, do I long

To leave this place?

But the gentle steps around me

Are not to be ignored

No matter how much I try.
How is it that they hold me up, as I hold them up?
Together we talk of this place to which we were led

And learn to love it

And its imperfections.

And oft we are lead to share the Gift

So that more can gather here with us.

And so we dream here together

Of the perfect form of this creation.

Though we may feel alone, it only takes

A simple touch from the Creator

And His creations

To make the stay here –

The wait here –

A little more enjoyable.

If only, if only...

2010-11-25T00:15:00.000-08:00

If only I were feeling lyrical/poetic right now, I'd write a poem about what I'm thinking, but in this mindset I don't think I would do myself justice. So, instead, I shall write it out it a not-really artistic way.

After an evening of chatting and chillin with good friends of mine (Eric Chin, Erin Nally, Zach Horst, Kevin Beddow...) I realized that I am really emotionally stressed, and now is the time to unwind with it all...so I took the long way home (and by long way, I mean I drove up and down 249 until my thoughts began to clear).

When I got home, I laid down on the hood of my car and stared up at the cloudy sky. I just stared at it. I began thinking and praying, and I really just unloaded a bunch of crap in my life to God. It's a good thing it was 1 a.m. because if anyone was walking by and had heard me praying out loud they might have thought I was crazy.

There was a pause in my thought process when I realized something as the moon came out from the clouds: there's a huge parallel in what I've been thinking and what nature is showing me.

There were moments when I could see the moon shining as clear as though there was nothing but empty space between us, so much so that I could see the craters and the deep blue sky around it. Then a part of the cloud would race over and cover it up and the light would gradually fade away until it was like the moon was never there at all.

Sometimes I feel like I am walking with God, and I can just feel Him and be with Him, but sometimes I feel like I am just staring at a blank sky, left to lay there by myself, when deep inside I know that He is still there and that He hasn't moved -- that He is unchanging -- just like I knew that the moon was still there... it's just hidden.

God is still there, even when it doesn't feel like He is, and I really needed to hear that.

God is good...

2010-11-20T19:04:00.000-08:00

..all the time.

Yesterday (Friday) was crazy. I felt like I was losing my sanity. So much pressure, so many things to do, and I have to do them all perfectly. It was this weird feeling that even though I had time to do stuff, I didn't know what to do with it... I didn't know where to begin. And honestly, I didn't get anything done because I just sat there and thought for a while.

Sometimes, I hate it inside of my head.

Its like a cloud of confusion and chaos just floats around there, and there doesn't seem to be a light shining through.

But suddenly, He was there.

When I got off of work at midnight, I walked outside and randomly walked to the middle of the courtyard and looked up.... and I saw the vast heavens. Yep. In the middle of Houston, I saw stars. It was overwhelming seeing that... seeing that God is greater than my tiny mind and in control of everything. Even if I fail at life, God is still going to use me.

I don't really remember what happened next, but I ended up in the prayer room...crying. I was staring at the Bible sitting in the middle of the table, and I realized that God's Word was the only thing alive in that room.

God started pushing away all my thoughts and made me focus on Him, and He reminded me that He's the goal I'm pushing for, not for perfection, not even (really) a degree or a masters, but Him. If, in my pursuit of glorifying Him, I obtain a degree and a job, then that's a blessing and a reward, but not the end goal.

He made me focus on the different areas of my life. School, sororities, music, friends... what I need to change to improve my life for Christ. I came to realize that (usually) when there's something wrong in my life, I avoid thinking about it because I don't want to deal with it. He pretty much forced me to think through things and deal with them (and in the end, deal with Him).

And THEN, to top it all off, I had a strange dream about marriage (and I NEVER have dreams about marriage) to make me THINK about marriage, which (call me strange) I don't do too often. [The rest of this conversation will be made with close friends. Sorry...]

The Lord is always teaching me new things, and I am so incredibly thankful for His patience and grace because I would hate to see who I would be without it.

This is what happens

2010-11-17T20:36:00.000-08:00

when I don't pay attention in Philosophy....

I currently don't have a title for it, and it's unedited, so enjoy it's raw form:
(it's written in the format of a song btw)

[verse]
The people around me have fallen into themselves
It seems like they're living in their own personal hell
They've lost the strength to live in the right of their minds
It is their own escape that they can never find

Where are You in this place?

[chorus]
Send Your light into our darkened world
You're the candle that never flickers as they try to blow You out
Send Your wind and rain and break our barricade
There are no doors, no walls that we can hide behind
Send Your rescue

[verse]
I am stuck in this crowd of chaos
When I run I seem to only get more lost
This makeup they've slathered on my face
Weighs me down as I try to run the race
Makes me blend into this alien place

[chorus]
Send Your light into our darkened world
You're the candle that never flickers as they try to blow You out
Send Your wind and rain and break our barricade
There are no doors, no walls that we can hide behind
Send Your rescue

[bridge]
This freedom - this redemption - in Your eyes will someday rise
When you burn up all of our sins and desires
Those who seek to be free from this world
To them a whole new heaven - the kingdom of heaven - will be revealed

You are everywhere...

[chorus]
Send Your light into our darkened world
You're the candle that never flickers as they try to blow You out
Send Your wind and rain and break our barricade
There are no doors, no walls that we can hide behind
Send Your rescue

1 Timothy 6:11

2010-11-12T09:59:00.000-08:00

OMYGOSH THERE IS SO MUCH AWESOMENESS IN SCRIPTURE.
Why in the world did I ever avoid reading it?

Alright, so I've been walking through 1 Timothy (with my lovely new Journal Bible which I love to death) and today there wasn't enough room in the margins for me to write what I was thinking... so I'm blogging it! :)

"But as for you, O man of God, flee these things. Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness." 1 Timothy 6:11

There is so much in this one verse!! It's amazing!

At first, Paul says "But as for you, O man of God." Just before this verse Paul was talking about false teachers and those who basically live for the wrong reasons (that is another section that perhaps I should speak about later, because it's got a lot of juice, too). Paul is contrasting Timothy with false teachers, which is a big deal. Apparently, it's fairly easy to live by earthly standards (who would've thought?) and so many teachers fail to truly and genuinely live by God's standards. Yet Timothy is one who could stand strong and live by true faith. Paul is telling Timothy to live differently than the others, to be a better teacher, to live above reproach.

Side note: "To live above reproach" is basically the theme of all of 1 Timothy. Which is awesome.

So Paul contrasts Timothy with other teachers, which is an honor, and therefore we should strive to be contrasted with other believers as well. God calls us to not live by the worlds standards and to not live for our own desires but to live above reproach and to live by God's will. It always makes me so happy when people (in essence) ask: What is it that makes you different? Why don't you seem like a normal person? And the answer is: Because I've got a new life from Jesus Christ, I have the Holy Spirit inside me, and I strive to live by God's standards. These things SHOULD distinguish us from the nonbelievers (but it doesn't always). Therefore:

Lesson 1: Live above the desires of your flesh and live by God's standards so that you may be distinguished from others, therefore bringing glory to God's great name.

Paul then instructs Timothy to "flee from these things." "These things" include (but are not limited too): false teachings, conceit, cravings for controversy, gains of the world that are unnecessary, and greed. Flee these things. That means as soon as you have any intentions of them, get down on your knees and beg God to get rid of them or help you fight them. There's no hope of us fighting these desires alone because they are in our nature, but God has offered us help and rescue from it all. We need to guard our thoughts and our hearts. It's incredibly hard to do with this openly sinful world we live in, but we have to learn how to not dwell on them and fill our thoughts with the holiness of God.

Here's an interesting thing: do you ever feel like you're just weathering the world? That you're just standing there, letting these struggles and sins of the world pass you by as you stand there fighting to resist them? Well, here's a slap: we are instructed to FLEE. God understands that we are weak and stupid, so we can't just take on these temptations: we need to FLEE. Now I'm not saying we should all move to a desert somewhere and live perfect lives (like that could ever be possible anyway) but merely reiterating what I was stating earlier. We're basically, by the grace of God, fleeing from ourselves. We flee by crucifying ourselves to the world. We flee by allowing the Holy Spirit to take over our lives and dwelling on the Lord and praying constantly and living every moment to glorify His name. Obviously we can't literally flee from everything, but we are instructed to avoid these temptations.

God will put us in situations where we are face to face with temptation and sins, and sometimes we are led to flee and sometimes we are led to stay there. Either way, you are to guard yourselves from temptations. So this is where Lesson 2 is found:

Lesson 2: Flee from the temptations of the world by guarding our minds and hearts and by keeping our eyes on God.

Now, let's look at the last half: "Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness."

Does it say: "Stand there and wait for these things to come to you."
Nope.
It says "pursue." PURSUE.

I am so incredibly guilty of standing around waiting for God to make me a better person. It wasn't until this past year of my life that I realized that God wouldn't change me until I tried to change myself. I had to want to live a virtuous life and start trying to live one in order for God to bless my struggles and change me.

It makes sense to pursue righteousness, godliness, steadfastness and gentleness because these are actions and characteristics. But he tell us to pursue faith and love.
Um...what?
How do I pursue faith? How do I pursue love?

So here are my thoughts, which are by no means the ultimate answer (and this applies to everything I say).

You can pursue love (I believe) by practicing love. I've always been told that if you pray for a person, you come to love them. I've also been told that if you love on a person (though you may not actually love them) you will come to love them. So perhaps the intentions here are that you learn how to love, which (by the way) only God can give you. God has shown me day by day how to love all the different sorts of people: brothers, sisters, and nonbelievers. You have to pursue that love. You have to try to love them, live with the intentions of loving them, show them what love is. Then God will bless you with a genuine love for them.

Pursuing faith... this is a difficult one for me to think about. I'm going to give a shout-out to Trey Weise in his blog, because he wrote about a "Faith to Move Mountains" (which was the title of the blog...). In summary, Trey came to the conclusion that the faith to move mountains isn't a solid and doubt-free one, but instead a small faith that even when you are unsure, you still do what God says. Faith is "taking a blind step" as so many have said. Faith is that, even though you may have doubts that what God is telling you makes sense, you do it anyway. So in order to pursue faith, you must strive to obey God at every turn, no matter how much you might not understand why.

Lesson 3: In order to obtain righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, and gentleness, you must pursue them by living a life in which you practice and live by them.

So to tie it all together: Live a life above reproach that will set you apart from the rest of the world BY guarding your hearts and minds from the temptations of the world AND pursuing qualities that are of God.

Isn't scripture amazing?!

A Fitting Quote

2010-09-17T10:25:00.001-07:00

Lately, I've been feeling like I don't have any time for anything.
Like I can't get anything done, and when I do it, it isn't done right.

So a quote came to mind that perfectly embodies how I feel.

"Thin and stretched, like too much butter over too much bread."

Feeling vs. Knowing

2010-09-08T21:12:00.001-07:00

So here's something that's been on my mind for a while.

I've really been considering the difference between thinking and feeling. For girls, this is a weird thing to deal with, taking into account that we females tend to revolve around our emotions. But what we as Christ-following females have to understand is that we can NOT depend on our emotions for things.

I believe that while emotions can catalyze our relationship with Christ, it can also severely hinder it if not under control. Notice the words: if not under control. If emotions and feelings are kept in check and seem rational, they're good. If we let them take over everything, they're NOT good.

It's important for us to match up what we feel with what we know. If what we know supports our emotion, then it's a good emotion, while if what we know does not support our emotion, then it's a bad emotion.

Let me illustrate:

I feel joyful and loved. I know that God loves me and I have many things to be thankful for.
I am feeling a good emotion.

I feel happy that I stole those candles from Yankee Candle. I know that God tells us not to steal.
I am feeling a bad emotion.

...and yes, I'm spelling this out like a kindergarten teacher...

But here, let's make things more complicated and more real-life.

You know when you "feel" alone and you "feel" like God isn't on your side? You write depressing songs about depression and loneliness and independence that (for some reason) everyone likes. But think for a second: what do you know? Do you recall that God promises to never leave you and to always love you? He never promised you perfect days, but He asks you to bring Him glory in all situations. (I think of "Desert Song" in this situation)

Or how about this, worldly children. You know that girl/guy that you're attracted to. Yeah, they're nice and sweet, but how is their faith? Oh, but they ARE cute. But... what do you know about their faith? You feel like you should be with them, but what do you know? You KNOW that if they're not edifying you, you should not take part in that relationship. With some time spent with God and in the word, I'm sure you'd come to that same conclusion.

Just think about it sometimes: is what I'm feeling supported by what I know from the Bible? From what God has told me?

Seriously. Think about it.

Bad at Wrestling

2010-06-01T21:36:00.000-07:00

My goodness.

Do you ever have a day where you're just slammed with convictions? Sometimes it's like God gathers all these things to hit me with, chooses a day, and throws them all at me at the same time. I'm not sure that's biblical, but it sure does feel that way.

One thing God is really pressuring me to do is grow up. I know we all think we're mature here, "oh, look, I graduated high school! I'm grown up and independent!" and even for some: "I survived my first year of college! I'm so mature!" but really, we're children.

And recently, I've been acting like a child. More childish than I have been in a while. I laugh at my own stupidity.

You know how, in Genesis, Jacob literally wrestles with God? I really feel that way about my life right now. But God has (of course) been defeating me. It's like he has me face down on the ground, and there is obviously no hope for me, but yet I keep on struggling. I refuse to lose.

I'm being stubborn.

Long story short, I haven't been getting what I want. You most likely just thought in a sarcastic tone, "Oh, that's mature." But that's the whole point of this post. I'm not being mature. I'm being stupid and childish. And I'm openly admitting it because I hope that we all understand this:

We are all immature.

We are all ignorant.

Of course, some are more mature than others, and some are smarter, but in comparison to God, we're little brainless infants. And we forget that. If you know a lot more than other people, then God has revealed that to you. He's still got a bucket full of things you may never know or understand.

Now, when I was meditating about this and why I'm being stubborn, I was convicted of something else.

Why am I being stubborn? Why do I refuse to lose?
Because of how I'm measuring myself.

I've been very unhappy with myself. I'm just not the best at anything anymore. Back in the day (last year) I was comparably smart and one of the best singers. This past year I've been around better performers and singers, and I've been shot down by curriculum (I got a few B's, which I don't like). I don't know if it's everyone or if I just have a self-confidence issue but I like to be the best at something. I like to feel special.

I've set my standards, I've failed myself, therefore I'm unhappy with myself, and consequently unhappy with God.

I'm so tired of being defeated. I'm so tired of losing. I'm so tired of being just another person. I'm fighting God because I'm so tired of having my face slammed into the dirt (ironically).

I think that one thing, among many, that God is trying to teach me is that what he thinks about me is the only thought that matters.

Sadly, until I swallow and truly understand that information, God will continue to rip my pride from me and use it to smack me in the face.

Honestly people, I feel like God is completely tearing me apart. He's ripping my flesh and my human desires from my clenched fists. He wants to utterly destroy every part of me that keeps him from consuming me. He's forcing me to my knees.

Oddly enough, there's a part of me cheering for him. I know what will happen in the end: he will remake me. Rebuild me. Perfect me. And he will perfect me using himself. He will be a greater part of me. And then there's part of me that's simply refusing to give up, and I'm not sure how to tell it to stop resisting.

Perhaps God really does have to destroy me before I give up. Perhaps God really does have to raze me to the ground in order to raise me up.

I feel like some strange prisoner who's fighting "The Man," but who also knows that "The Man" will win and "The Man" is always right. "The Man" is only doing it out of love for me, and I know that.

Long story short: God has me face down on the ground with my arm twisted behind my back telling me to say "uncle" but I won't because I'm tired of losing and I'm just plain immature.

I know it's an "iffy" thing to say that I am "fighting" with God, but I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. I know I have no more hope of defeating God than an ant does to an ent, and I also know that the sin in me has already been defeated, so there is my disclaimer. If you don't understand what I'm trying to say.... sorry.

If you so choose, please pray for me, that I would humble myself, accept defeat, and give whatever I'm holding back to him.

Continuation of To Forgive or Not To Forgive

2010-05-31T22:01:00.000-07:00

Here's something that the amazing and wonderful Marilyn Maddox taught me.

You don't just wake up one day and think "Yeah, I'll forgive them."

It's a process.

You have to pray for God to humble you, to teach you how to use the strength he's given you, to open your heart. You need time and determination. Time because you grow away from the situation, and determination because you have to push yourself to not let the situation dig into your heart. You can't think about it all the time.

You can't sit around mumbling to yourself about how you can't forgive them. You can't think about it all the time, or else it will burn you up. You have to fight your mind so that you don't think about it. Go read a book. Call a friend. Start a project. Do something that focuses your mind on something else. When you push your mind away from it, it just becomes a part of the past. You'll learn that it doesn't hurt you anymore. You'll learn that it just doesn't matter any more. You move on.

God did this amazing thing by rescuing us from sin, because he rescued us from the flesh, from ourselves. We, as believers, do not have to give in to these earthly desires. These desires for revenge. These strange desires for this earthly satisfaction of having a scar in our lives. We can conquer these, and control ourselves. Why not use this?

So where I am right now is in the waiting stage. Not to say that I'm not doing anything, because I'm just waiting for the ability for me to forgive and move on to come. While I'm waiting, I'm praying, I'm pushing the thoughts away from me, and I'm simply forcing myself to move on. No longer can I let this inability to forgive hold me back spiritually and emotionally.

Forgiveness. It doesn't always just happen in a moment. But we can forgive with God's guidance and with the strength he has given us.

To Forgive or Not To Forgive

2010-05-18T23:07:00.001-07:00

I think it's time we had a little talk about forgiveness.
And I mean little, because I'm still learning about it.

As little tykes, we were taught about sharing and forgiveness. God tells us to forgive as we have been forgiven. How many times should I forgive him? Oh, 70 x 7? Well, that seems like a lot... but whatever you say, Jesus.

Christ drills into our heads the importance of love and forgiveness. And for those of us who have Christ in them, it's quite easy to forgive many people for many things. And if you are easy going about things, it's even easier.

What, you forgot to bring my $5 that you owe me? Whatevs. Try to remember tomorrow.

Why is this so easy? Well (a) they're probably feeling guilty and begging for forgiveness anyway and (b) it really isn't a big deal.

What if the situation were like this?

What, you forgot to bring the $5 I needed to pay the rest of the tab so that now I could possibly be arrested or I have to beg for money from someone else?

Unrealistic? Possibly. But be honest. If this were the situation, wouldn't it be harder to forgive them?

God calls for us to forgive both of these people in both of these situations. He asks us to forgive the person in the second situation just as easily as we forgave the person in the first situation.

What would make matters worse is if the person in the second situation wasn't sorry and didn't apologize.

If you're human, that irks you, too.

-Oh, I forgot your $5. Woops.

-Wow, look at this mess I got you into!

-My bad. That sucks how much this ruins your life.

-*laughter*

Yes, it annoys me, too. If anything, it just makes me wrestle with God even more, because I don't want to forgive them.

Heck, they didn't ask for forgiveness, so why should I forgive them?

Well, I'm pretty sure I didn't ask for God to die for me so I would be forgiven of anything. I didn't ask God to conquer death. I didn't ask God to show the ultimate act of love by sending His son to the cross. And, sometimes, I value pride over honor and I won't ask for forgiveness, either.

But God did all those things. Without me asking, and without a second thought, God did.

As a Christian, I strive to live the WWJD life, including the life Jesus lead forgiving everyone. Not just the whole wiping-my-sins-away forgiveness, but his own personal forgiveness to people that personally wronged him. He forgave Peter, who denied him. He forgave the people who crucified him.

Who that crap do I think I am that I can withhold forgiveness from anyone when Christ forgave the people, the very guilty and sinful people, who CRUCIFIED him?! He was dying and in so much incredible pain and he said, "They don't know what they're doing, so forgive them." I'm fairly certain that I'd be spitting on them, possibly throwing out a few bad words here and there, and yelling at them, plotting my revenge as a ghost to haunt their stupid lives.

Be honest, you know you wouldn't be too graceful about it, either.

But we, as Christ followers, must strive to be like him. Therefore, we must forgive.

I was convicted not too long ago that I had never forgiven a few people for wronging me. Part of it was that it never occurred to me that I should. The other part of it is... I don't want to. They haven't (and most likely will not) asked for forgiveness.

I'm struggling with this. These people have wronged me more than I've ever been wronged, they're the few that have never asked for forgiveness, and I just hold this incredible grudge against them, mostly subconsciously.

I've been praying about it, and I think that's all I can do for now. Why not learn forgiveness from the ultimate forgiver?

If I learn anything new, any hints or wisdom, I'll be sure to let you know.

Short summary

2010-04-28T17:42:00.000-07:00

Here's a summary of all that matters right now:

My relationship with Christ is a little rocky right now, but His convictions are strong and humbling, and I'm working my way back.

I got a 90.8 on my bio 2 lab final, and all i needed was an 85!! I would have gotten a higher grade, too, if someone hadn't of been stupid and cheated on a question. Lame. BUT I got higher than I needed to get a B in Bio, so all that's left is the lecture final!

I have three tests: one tomorrow in Psych, and two on Friday, in Government and Chem lab.

Friday is also my audition to get into the top choir here. WISH ME LUCK.

3 day weekend... monday is a dead day for everyone to study.

Saturday I have a group interview for a job at the YMCA to be a camp counselor, and the graduation party is that day, too, so I might be late........

and finals all next week!

THEN SUMMER. *happy sigh*

Hawaii is ON. June 5th-12th SO EXCITED.

And perhaps Kenya? We'll see. Maybe this year. Maybe next year.

Anyway, for those who cared, this is summary of my chaotic life right now.

Keep me in your prayers, please, for continued growth in Christ and for some peace!

Love you all =)

Imparting Wisdom

2010-04-23T21:09:00.000-07:00

One of the many things I am thankful for in my previous relationship with Riley was that he (basically) put a book (Don't Waste Your Life, to be exact) in my hands and told me to read it.

After I (finally) opened my heart, I was changed. I grew. Simple as that.

I'm so incredibly thankful for the leaders who are gifted in speech and/or writing. If read/listened to with an open heart and an open mind, God reveals, convicts, and loves.

It saddens me when I just don't have time to read the books or listen to the sermons. Usually, the times I have no time for it are the times I really need it. (And, regrettably, sometimes the times I really need it are the times I don't really want to read it/listen to it.)

The point I'm making is that I'm thankful for the wisdom, love, and conviction that God provides through His followers. They are vessels for His glory, and I find it wondrous and amazing that we are blessed with such great resources. The leaders that God has appointed openly and continuously impart wisdom and Spirit-given words to us, the thirsty, growing children.

I can't help but praise God for those true leaders He has blessed us with.

A Goal

2010-04-19T22:32:00.000-07:00

So, for today, April 20th, 2010, Marilyn and I promised to attempt to be nice to everyone. That means: no sarcasm or witty replies. Only compliments, neutral comments, or just walking away from situations that are too tempting (there have already been a lot of those... and it's only 45 minutes into the day).

This is something I've always struggled with. I don't think that insulting each other for fun is inherently bad (it's just a type of humor) but I am guilty of using it to vent my anger. Meaning that what is perceived by others as my normal sense of humor is really me being genuinely angry. I don't think that's a good thing.

I'm going to try to be nicer.

Now, I will still have the same sense of humor. I can't change that. I'll still be sarcastic, and if there's an incredible opportunity for a burn, I'll totally take it, but I'm going to be more careful with what I say and when I say it.

Well, I'm going to try, anyway.

I don't want the way I talk to people to be the means by which I vent my anger. I need to vent genuinely to get my anger out. One time, I paced across Marilyn's room for a good while, talking to Marilyn directly about the subject that made me angry, and it really felt good. I don't know why I bother spreading my venting across the day by being rude to people.

And yes, it is admittedly sad that some people don't know the difference between truly-rude me and sarcastic-rude me. That should change. I should really just not be rude to people I'm not close with. My good friends get it (and retaliate) but acquaintances shouldn't have to deal with it.

Actually, some people might think something is wrong when they realize I'm being nice all the time.

This will be really hard for me, sarcasm and witty-comments being the sense of humor by which I was raised, but if it is displeasing in the eyes of God, I've got to tone it down. A lot.

I'll make sure and let you know if I reach my goal! If I don't, I'm going to keep trying till I get it right.

Classes... *sigh

2010-04-18T21:25:00.000-07:00

This isn't really an "enlightened" post
I'm just avoiding going to sleep because I'm a little... depressed.

I've been extremely stressed because of classes and finals coming up. As far as it seems, I'm getting straight B's. So frustrating.

Biology is what frustrates me the most. I just can't do well on her tests. I love the information, and enjoy the class, and I can even recite nearly everything back you word for word, but I can't get A's! I don't know what it is! I've been getting B's, which is acceptable (average, but acceptable), but I just learned I got a 67 on my last test.
Epic fail. How the crap can I do well in that class, now?!

I think it will take me a lifetime to learn what it means to not worry. There are some things I don't stress about because I can put them out of my mind... but how do you not stress about grades? How do I leave things like my classes in God's hands?

I have faith in the assurance that I can't screw any of God's plans up, and that everything is in His will, but I also know that we must work.
But I also know that God will provide for me.

I'm stressed because I only have two weeks left till finals. I have to do REALLY WELL on my finals. Then comes summer, and I don't have a job yet (not too many people are hiring). I need to get some money for the mission trip this summer. And I just need to figure out what God wants to do with me.

I don't know, guys. I'm just freaking out. It's getting harder for me to stay focused when I'm praying and reading God's word and I can't hardly sleep. I don't know what's going on, I just want it to go away.

Don't get the wrong idea here. I still rejoice in all that God has given me. It's just that I get in these strange situations where I'm so joyful in God's grace, and yet I...
well, I just don't know. Maybe this is just a metaphorical valley I have to trudge through.

*sigh

Please keep me in your prayers.

This was more of a boring, venting kind of blog, so I apologize.
But if you've read this far, congrats =)
I'll try to make the next one more exciting.

Alive

2010-03-23T22:33:00.000-07:00

Recently, I've felt the love of God burning in me.
I've never felt this way before!

It's like I've finally realized
"God really does love me, and God really will take care of me."

It's strange.
I'm not living in satisfaction that everything will be okay, or that everything will turn out alright, but that I'm pleasing God. Because I know that the only way I can achieve true joy is through striving to follow Christ. My life doesn't have to be perfect or even happy (by worldly standard), really, for me to know joy.

And that's the selfish reason.

God has given me a strong desire to live according to the way He wants me to live. I want to live for Him and for His glory because, yes, it brings joy and peace to my life, but it also is just what I want to do... because God wants me to.

I'm not sure how to explain that one.

I've been having less-than-perfect days, even bad days, and yet somehow I've never been happier. Heck, I failed a test that could bring my score down one or even two letter grades, but I'm at peace. My flesh is screaming in frustration, but I know everything's okay. Hey, if I fail this class, what does that mean God wants from me? What is God trying to convey to me and my dense self? How is He trying to use me in this?

And I'm not even emotionally stable! I'm not always happy, sometimes I'm even a little depressed, and I'm not always thinking happy thoughts, but I am at peace when I get over myself. And underneath there's a joy that I can feel growing.

I don't care what you say, world. You say my faith suppresses me and my life.

But I've never felt more free to live.

Living my life for Christ is the only way to live.

Sitting on the back porch...

2010-03-14T18:37:00.000-07:00

is where I wrote this. In Oklahoma. It's beautiful here. =)

How I’ve missed the silence of nature.
The life around me revitalizes my soul
This chaos that I’ve been living in-
-this sorrow I’m drowning in-
Is silenced.
The raw form of God’s creation
Thriving before my eyes.
Sitting here makes me wonder…
Why have I ever worried at all?
The ocean of life takes me
Tosses me around
I’m disoriented and drowning and I don’t even know it till
I’m sitting on the beach
Watching the waves that once controlled me
Be subdued by the very sand that
Plays between my toes.
Until I’m at peace with my soul.
Peace.
Oh, sweet peace.
My heart slows down.
My muscles relax slowly.
I breathe in the innocence
The newness
The silence.
Sitting here makes me wonder…
Why have I ever worried at all?

so... what is "Thy Will"?

2010-02-27T20:53:00.000-08:00

Really, it's a valid question. Why do we pray that "Thy Will be done" when we know that His Will will be done? Is it a hope that no matter our mistakes and failures God's supremacy over everything will still bring us to where He wants us to be? Is it just a reminder to ourselves that His Will is what we should desire? Or is it just some sort of formality, recognizing God's power?

Honestly, I think we forget the power of His Will sometimes. I know I do. I believe that, theoretically, I can make mistakes and still end up where God wants me to be. We could get into this "well, how can you make mistakes that aren't in His Will when His Will is always occuring" or whatever, but that's a debate over misnomers and dichotomies and*insert big words here*. Here, I understand that God is victorious over everything, and man is fallen. Man has a free will, but God is supreme. Complicated, confusing, debatable, whatever.. you can get over it, or stop reading. =)

Many people have questions about what happens if they disobeyed God.
Here are hypothetical situations that many people have experience:
Example #1: Choosing college: I felt called to go to University A, but in my selfishness I said yes to University B, and I am now attending University B.

Sometimes God makes it impossible to make the wrong decision. Like he would have University B decline you, or University B lost all your paperwork and blames it on you... or they wont give you money. But sometimes God says "well, alright. whatever." And lets you make mistakes. But does that mean that you are officially "out of God's Will" and you'll end up some place where you're just miserable and lonely? I don't think so. I think you will end up exactly where God has always planned for you to be, it just might not be what God really really wanted for you.

Example #2: dating and marriage: So I was dating this dude, but I did something bad and ruined our relationship, and we are now no longer together. What if he was the one I was supposed to marry? Did I ruin my chances of happiness with my true love?

Now there are many possibilities and situational issues in this one. But the main question here is "what if he was the one I was supposed to marry?" and my question back is "Do you not believe that God is sovereign over your mistakes, too?" If he's the one you're supposed to marry, then God will work through the issues to make the future marriage more amazing.

This is debatable, I know, as is about everything else I've said, but this is what I believe. I believe that in the end, I will be who, what, and where I'm supposed to be, though I may have taken different pathways than what God wanted for me.

This is what His Will is.
When we pray "Thy Will be done" we are stating that it WILL be done, no matter what. We are reminding ourselves that God is greater than the mistakes we make.

"For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men." -1 Corinthians 1:25

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?!?!?!
It means He is greater than me, it means He is greater than us, it means that EVEN if God were a fool, He'd be smarter than any one of us. EVEN IF God were weak, He'd STILL be stronger than all of us. ISN'T THAT AMAZING?

ISN'T GOD AMAZING?
(can I get an AMEN?)

This verse reminds me that God is so so so so SO sovereign over EVERYTHING. SO glorious and wonderful and awesome and powerful that when we wee-little things make mistakes, God says "well, alright, I don't want you to go that way because I love you, but you'll still end up where you're supposed to be, because I love you and you are mine."

IT'S SO AWESOMMMMME.

Praise the Lord God!! HALLELUJAH!!

So, today.

2010-01-13T18:59:00.000-08:00

First class is at 8 on MWF, and that class is (duh duh duh DUH) General Chemistry 1. We had our first quiz (we're supposed to have on every class) and I totally forgot one of the answers... till he said to turn them in and suddenly I remembered! I'd hate to fail the first grade I ever got in that class. The teacher (Dr. Trevino) seems like a sweet guy. Socially awkward (as many younger scientists are) but he wants to be everyone's friend. Also, he teaches REALLY fast. It's simple stuff now, but I'm scared for when we get to harder stuff.

Afterwards, Stephanie and Anju, both of whom are in my biology and chemistry classes, came and chilled in my dorm because they're commuters and I didn't have class till 10.

That class at 10 is American and Texas government. The professor (Dr. Hammons) is pretty awesome, but I don't trust his beliefs. He "jokingly" insults every person in there, and I just think it's a little excessive. He also likes to ask really broad and vague questions, or questions that no one would know the answer to but him. Seems a bit unfair, yes?

Next, Aimara (a Phi Mu sister) and I ran over to convocation, or chapel, or whatever you want to call it. The dude who led worship had a BEAUTIFUL voice and played the piano wonderfully. That was all good until I noticed two girls (from Phi Mu, mind you) who were making fun of the people worshiping. Kathleen (my big sis), Christiana (my twin), and I talked about it later (rather angrily) and Kathleen is going to approach them the next meeting about being rude and bad examples of Phi Mu.

Convocation is not exactly the prime place for worship or learning, because half of the people just want to get their CLW points that are required for graduation. So they sit there and talk or mess around and I just get frustrated. If it weren't for the fact that I have to go because of Phi Mu rules, I probably wouldn't. It just makes me too sad.

Kathleen and I then went to burger king for the healthy food (ahem) and just to talk. Of course, she asked about Riley and I and I talked about it. She talked about how she and her bf went through the same thing, but they stayed in the relationship. She said it would have been better if they had broken up for that time. It made me feel better about Riley's decision.

Nothing too dramatic happened after that... I took a nap, went to choir, worked out, ate. Now I'm procrastinating studying for a biology quiz tomorrow. Haha it's the beginning of the year, and I'm already procrastinating. uh oh.

I did make a playlist called "Awesome." that contains Phil Wickham, Downhere, Derek Webb, Jimmy Needham, Bethany Dillon, and Andrew Peterson. This makes me happy. =)

Well, until another day, friends!

growing up.

2010-01-08T19:35:00.000-08:00

Never before have I been okay with moving on in life.
It's painful, and scary, but I know I need to grow up.
Part of me, the flesh, wants me to stay here, keep things the same, keep things comfortable.
But the undeniable truth is that I've got to move on. I've got to grow.
I've got to let go of the comfortable things. Things that I held on to for dear life. Things I depended on too much.

I'm being taught that I need to wholly depend on Christ and his love. I need no one else and no one else to love me.
I'm being taught that I can't depend on people to change me. I need to be able to change and grow on my own, with guidance and encouragement from others.

I've got a long way to go to be able to date anyone again.
I won't date again until I've reached a point where I can stand on my own, love Christ first, then love that person.

I understand that I've got to grow and change, but it's painful, and a little lonely (at least right now).
I'm praying for strength, wisdom, and provision of what/who i need to learn from.

A break-up is always difficult, but I don't think we could have broken-up for a better and more solid reason.
We are two kids who (one earlier than the other) discovered that they've got to grow more before being mature enough to be in a solid relationship.

Please keep me in your prayers for strength and growth.

wisdom teeth

2009-12-16T17:10:00.000-08:00

So on Monday I had my wisdom teeth removed.

The last thing I remember before I went under was the female assistant putting a gas thing over my nose, and the doctor putting a needle into my arm. He asked me where I got my shoes from, I said DSW, he asked what that was, and I said "Discount Shoe Warehouse." I remember my eyes getting heaving and black spots rolling over my eyes. This was similar to when I had passed out while donating blood, including the nausea and short breath.

Apparently when my dad came back to see me after the surgery, I was "wide awake." I was shivering and kept on asking "I'm cold, why am I cold?" though I only remember being cold. Then i remember the assistant helping me into the bathroom and telling me to keep the door unlocked. I remember sitting in the car looking at my dead lip in the mirror. Then I remember sitting on the chair in my living room, bundled up in blankets with my winter jacket on, attempting to drink water.
I had to physically grab my bottom lip, and move it up to close my mouth, because i had no control over it.

Around four in the afternoon I started to regain feeling in my lip and chin, but I was in a lot of pain. I would randomly cry, sometimes because of the pain, sometimes because I think that the medicine just messed up my emotions. Finally the doctor called and said "Oh yeah, you can take advil along with the pain meds"

I simply held out my hand to my dad.

Not 10 minutes later I was pain free!

The whole day I had been dozing in and out, and the night was no different, except I was tempted to sleep on my side, which was rather painful. So was trying to brush my teeth. That was an odd experience

Tuesday was a good day! I was horribly swollen and uncomfortable, but no pain. My dad and I watched the history channel for a good part of the day, discussing whether or not we agreed with them, and adding on little facts we randomly knew. Good bonding time. =)
I was finally allowed to drink warm liquids, so I had fajita soup! Such a contrast to the smoothies and malts that I'd been drinking for the past day and a half.

By Tuesday evening, I started having pain again, but this time it was where they cut in my gums, instead of the general area as it had been before. I fell into a deep, dream/nightmare filled sleep. Riley saved me from a nightmare by calling once. But the rest of the night I slept okay, I was just emotionally drained. I woke at 6 (to ask my mother to make me an ice pack) at 10, then at 12. I had gotten around 14 hours of sleep...

Today I had a little pain, but nothing unbearable. I've had to take both medications every 3 hours because I could feel when it wore off. I still can't really open or close my jaw, so I can't eat anything solid (though i can swallow things, like cheese, which tastes good even if just swallowed...hehe)

Lindsay Landry came and visited me today! I gave her her newly-wrapped Christmas present (a rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock shirt inspired by The Big Bang Theory) and we talked, ate ice-cream (mine was more of ice-cream soup so I could eat it) and watched Home Alone 2 and the newest Big Bang Theory episode.

Suddenly, I was hit with exhaustion, and instantly fell asleep for about an hour, till Riley called

Then Riley came to see me!! =) he didnt laugh at me and was a good sport about me being all facially distorted. Good job, boyfriend. You get a gold star =) and soup!

Then my mom brought me egg drop soup (nom nom nom) and my sister came home and laughed at me for the whole dinner time. I was too tired to care.

And finally here I am =) super tired still, and in a little pain, so I'm going to sleep a little.

I still have a fat face, and I think I've started bruising a little bit, but, for some reason, I don't really mind.

Anyway, keep me in your prayers for a quick recovery and less pain!!

Have a fun last few days of school, high-schoolers, and I hope you're enjoying your break so far, collegians!

conviction

2009-11-24T11:19:00.000-08:00

Today I was thinking about how I don't like to be told that I'm wrong.
What's sad is that I'm wrong a lot. Just like anyone else, really.
I don't like being corrected, I don't like having to admit that I was wrong.

Now the odd thing about this is that almost always, I'm thankful for the criticism later in life, because then I wanted to changed, and was now working on it or had actually changed.

What I was convicted of today (ironically enough) is that sometimes I avoid being convicted. I mean i know that's an iffy statement but if there is something that I know will convict me, then I might avoid doing it. For instance, reading intense books, or listening to podcasts.
Now I do read those books and listen to podcasts but sometimes I might choose not to because I don't feel like feeling that conviction.
Now is when I punch myself in the face for being so stupid.
Because... that is most likely when I'll need those things and those convictions.

In a way, this kind of helps me understand why people turn away from God when they've done something bad. They don't want to directly feel the conviction, because their guilt is enough, or because they don't want to be wrong.

I just need to be strong enough to face the convictions and deal with the shame of being sinful. I can't be afraid of being humbled and I just need to constantly remind myself that my faith is that I am sinful and imperfect and He frees me from my flesh.
and my pride.

myself and my flesh

2009-11-20T21:50:00.000-08:00

We, as humans, have an innate desire to do something bad. This is called flesh. The influence of the world. And even our own experiences show us that doing something wrong can make you feel good. Whether it be gossiping, lying, or flirting with someone when you’re in a relationship with someone else. I, as a human, will always have this internal struggle to do something dishonorable; that is, until I achieve a Christ-like spirit.

It’s sad to say that sometimes I have to search for something to do to let lose my desire to do something wrong, in hopes of finding something that’s not that bad.
When a guy comes up to me and starts flirting, it’s hard for me to not flirt back. Not because I’m not interested in the one I’m with, and not because I seek the excitement of cheating on him (this I hope I never desire) but because it’s a fun game to play. Flirting is just a fun thing for people, and I am not excluded from this group. But when I pull myself from a situation of flirtation, I spend the day thinking about it, and how frustrated my flesh is. I feel the need to do something that is not yet sin, but not the best thing. Something to satisfy my flesh. Honestly, I’m horrified that if I hold it all in, someday it will all come out as one hungry desire that could destroy me.

I’ve never really been all that good at self-control, so pulling myself away from a flirtatious boy or a gossiping group is really a step up for me. Not saying that this is an excuse for what I do now, but I have to acknowledge a little growth inside of me.

I hope one day I wont need these vents, or perhaps I’ll find a vent that fools that desire inside of me into thinking it’s been quenched, but really its honorable to God.
I’m struggling here in college into trying to be a good girl, and honestly sometimes I just want a pat on the back instead of a “this is all that you’ve done wrong”
I’ve seen the options I’ve had and where they could have taken me, and so far I think I’ve done a pretty darn good job.

I know it’s selfish of me, but I just wish I could get an “atta girl” for what I’ve done right.
By the way, it’s most likely that whatever you want to lecture me over is something I’ve already known about and been convicted for.

I’m just trying my best here, but I know I make mistakes and my discernment is off. I don’t see things the way the world sees them, which gives me a disadvantage in discerning things.

I’m not always right, but I’m not always wrong. And sometimes my flesh gets the better of me, but I’m not drowning, and I’m not going to be doing anything life-changing. I’ve resisted cheating (on Riley and on tests) and drinking and gossiping and lying and judging and wrath and greed and laziness and gluttony, etc etc.
But why is it that I do one thing wrong, and suddenly I’m a dirty sinful college girl who has changed? Why is my faith suddenly in question?

I’m not succeeding but I’m not failing either. Sure, get on my case if God leads you to, but every once in a while, encourage me. I’m trying here, and being a Christian girl is miserable sometimes.

I’m known as the Christian girl. They come to me with problems, and ask me about God sometimes. They avoid dirty jokes or explaining things that I don’t understand because (they say) they don’t want to ruin me. I even get those awkward looks when a joke is made and they say “You don’t get it, do you?” and when I say no they say “of course you don’t” and move on.
I get weird looks when people defend themselves and I say “the Bible does NOT say that” or I say “God doesn’t like that, I’m sure.”
Or when, the other day, I said, “Actually, the Bible is COMPLETELY against premarital sex, so there’s no point in arguing with me.”
And I was elected to be chaplain for the sorority.
Come on, I’m doing SOMETHING right…

I guess my whole point is that I’m not perfect, but I hope that I can get a little bit more support from some people. I’m not saying YOU who is reading this, it’s really directed at certain people, but I do hope you understand what I am saying, because I have rambled. I have no excuse for what I’ve done wrong and will do wrong, and I know that. But Christ is growing me more and more, and I hope that you notice that, too, before you notice my imperfections.

it's official.

2009-10-25T19:57:00.000-07:00

I changed majors. music to biology in one day.

I was really worried that i would change it then think "BIG MISTAKE" but that's not how it worked =)

I went on Friday to talk to Dr. Whaley, who is my biology professor. We kinda talked about the skills involved in different jobs you can get from a bio degree and such, and she said that it seems like i'd do really well in prepharm because i'm good at biology and i'm organized.

i also talked about what i wanted to get out of a job, and she said it was near perfect!

so i hope i'm on the right track. I feel like i am because when i turned in my form i was really excited!!

keep me in your prayers please!! i still have alot of decisions left to make!!

Good Day =)

2009-09-10T19:10:00.000-07:00

Do you ever just have a good day?
Or maybe not even a day, but a good evening, or a good couple-of-hours?

When you're walking to you room, and even though it's raining, you're just enjoying the drops like they're something new and exciting

And when you're smiling for no specific reason, but that life is good.

And when, even though you know you have a lot of things to worry about and to do and to stress about, you know that it's okay, because one day there will be an eternal moment of a feeling better than this.

And when, even though you're so undecided on you're future, or you just don't know what is going to happen, you know that it will all be okay, and God will bless you every step of the way.

And when you feel like God is making it rain just for you to enjoy and smile, and that He's walking with you, dancing with you, in the rain.

When you just feel like God is with you, and you know it for sure.

Mmm. I love moments like those.
Moments like tonight.

choices...

2009-09-08T11:24:00.000-07:00

"You said, 'i know that this will hurt,
But if I don't break your heart then
Things will just get worse.
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember: the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.'"

I love those words.
I've recently become re-obsessed with Relient K.

and btw I've been randomly typing non-existent words, so forgive my typos.

I've been struggling with the decision of staying a music major or changing to something else... likkke pharmacy.
Let's see the pros and cons to doing voice v. pharmacy.

Voice:
pros
I get to sing.
I'm alright at singing, so I think I'd do alright.
I learn the in's and out's of music (i guess that's a pro?)
i could reach out to people...

cons
I could not be as good as I and other think, and I may not get a job
If I'm not a professional, I'd have to teach
After I'm a professional (if ever I was one) i'd have to teach
a lot of money for a lot of school for an iffy/low paying job
If a singer in a church, I'm not reaching outside of church lines
If a teacher, I can't assert my faith.
LOTS of performances throughout school... bleh not my favorite thing.
AND i would limit my music experience to my job/ what the show is.

Pharmacy: (or other bio/chem field)
pros:
possibly less years in school?
money that would repay my years in school
an interesting and exciting (and ever-changing) field
something i've never done before
I could reach out to scientists (who we know can be very stubborn)
semi-my own schedule, so I could do other things (singing at a church maybe a show, and missions)

cons:
i'm not sure if "ever-changing" is good.
ALOT of studying (idk if i'm that smart!!!)
something completely new to me
the people arent always that nice in that field...
I might have to limit my music-ness for the years i'm in school.

wow that turned out differently than i thought I would...

"the end will justify the pain it took to get us there."

The Healing Tree

2009-08-31T19:43:00.000-07:00

The lights give off a fluorescent hum
As sirens wail in the distance
Heavy humidity presses against my lungs
Joined with the pressure of every day life.
My mind is saturated with knowledge of nothing
And my heart empty and desiring something;
Something which I cannot find from where I am.

Here it is.
My Healing Tree.
The place of truth among the cemented century
Where promise of nature and nature’s creator still grow
The leaves purify my breaths and thoughts
And soothes my young and weary soul.
It grows despite the wayward world
And pushes on despite criticism.

Oh that I were the tree in the courtyard,
The roots off all that is forgotten and solid as my feet
And the branches of love and eternity as my arms
With the wind and Word blowing through my leaves
That reflect the color of heaven.

Don't get too excited

2009-08-22T20:36:00.000-07:00

I'm super tired and kinda sick. For some reason I don't have much patience right now (i think I'm just tired)

Welcome days has been fun, yet tiring. Today I got peanut butter and cheetos thrown at my face during "wild n crazy games"

and yesterday comedy sportz came and they were awesome and hilarious as always!

One thing I've noticed about people today is how rude they can be in certain situations. A girl, obviously frustrated and in a hurry, told a girl to scoot over because she didnt want to have to climb over here. Now, there are two points of rudeness. Girl A, the frustrated and hurried one, was rude to say it so impolitely. But, Girl B should have been considerate enough to move over.

Also, I've noticed how when some people, usually sweet and friendly people, act rude or do rude things when with other people. Now, I know that we act differently with different friends. I think it depends (obviously) on the friend, the role you play as a friend, and also the effect a friend has on someone. For instance, if I'm around Lindsay Landry, I'm hyper and excited. But if I'm around Rizza Gaudet, I'm pretty chill yet giggly. But some people just do rude things when with other people. And that's really beginning to annoy me....

sigh

but now i'm blabbing, so i should go to bed.

later.

First Day of Welcome days...

2009-08-21T07:04:00.001-07:00

and now I'm in college!

Well lets see here my mom and Riley helped me move into my room. It's alot bigger than I thought and so far everything has worked out or had its purpose. I still need some kind of towel rack, SILVERWARE, and just more clothing.

I made a few friends at the welcome dinner. Her name is Lydia (i assume that's how you spell it) and she's a commuter. Then she met Molly (hehe) therefore I met Molly and they're pretty cool.

Then we all went to our packs. Pack 40! But I was the only one there?? Not sure how that worked out... me being the only one out of 10 who showed up, but whatever. SO we joined with Pack 39 and there I met Arianne who I foresee as being a very good friend of mine =) she's way cool and fun to be with and we both talk alot! Yay! And she lives right above me in room 24 (I'm 14) so that is very handy!

Then I got my beanie. It was INTENSE. They were playing a song that sounded like it was from a track of one of those football movies where it's the most important game and they have to try there hardest then its all awesome. It was a cool effect. They were also showing a slideshow of these old pictures of HBU since it was HBC and on. Then I got to stand up early because I'm a legacy. That was cool!

So now I got a super cute beanie. ahem.

Then i learned about "campus living" and all that stuff. but nothing exciting happened there.

Ari and I and a group of people that randomly increased as we went semi-toured the campus and now I'm not so totally confused! So that's cool.

I got my books in the morning and one of them is Mere Christianity..... that should be interesting!

Anyway I need to go get ready for the opening session and find Ari. Or perhaps I'll make more friends!

Now on to day 2 of welcome days!!

LA Ink-a blurb

2009-07-23T19:13:00.000-07:00

I find tattooing quite fascinating. It's really a great artistic form, and the people who are really good at it are REALLY good at it, and skin is their canvas.
Don't get me wrong... if i ever get tattooed (still undecided but leaning towards no) it has to be simple yet beautiful, and probably a word (as influenced by Erin Nally)

so my parents are watching LA Ink.

Let me tell you why!!

My cousin's wife, Maya Sloan Lane, has gotten a tattoo there via LA Ink, of her first published book. So, she's gonna be on tv!! it's really exciting!

So we're watching it, and the episode i've just seen, who ever the leading artist is just tattooed a picture of his dog on the man's right calf. The tattoo was GLORIOUSLY artistic and lifelike. I guess if you want the best, go to LA Ink.

EW and in other news, a dude working today at Panera Bread at 249 had massive gages (gauges? spelling???) and the only thing i thought about was what it would look like when he was 80 years old with droopy ears.

alright i'm done spieling.

later!!

Jimmy Carter and Women

2009-07-22T17:58:00.001-07:00

I thought it was funny today when i heard from my parents that former-pres Jimmy Carter separated himself from the Baptist church because they are discriminating against women (apparently cause of Eve.)

I think i should tell my idea of womens rights and equality.

Some girls that I know think that I'm horrible because I'm not all for equal rights of women and such. Truthfully some of it is a little ridiculous.
I'm all for equal opportunity in the office space and voting and such, that's cool, as long as the women are qualified for the job, and not getting the job just because they are meeting a women-to-men status. I think the attempt is (mostly) honorable.

Just like the prohibition laws.

Honestly, though, women will not see equal opportunity in some fields for quite a while. I think women should have the chance to pursue whatever job they would like, but they better be qualified and good, just like the men who have jobs should be qualified in theirs.

It's also how i feel about scholarships for minorities, because I know of myself and others who are more qualified for that kind of money v. some people who get money just cause their a "minority."
but i digress.

As for Mr. Carter and his fight, i think its modernly admirable, but perhaps more socially founded than biblically. Carter is standing up for the common woman today, whose only desire is to just do what she wants to do, as she stands in a business suit in a middle of New York City, with the wind blowing through her hair and dramatic music in the background.

Honestly, I'm fine with being "subjugated" as Carter puts it. I am okay with being subservient to my husband. Um, isnt that my job as a wife anyway? I don't like the idea of a powerhouse wife controlling the man, because that's a house doomed to fail (reference to Jon and Kate). The Bible places the man as the core of the house, in all relations and spirituality.

Also, women have their place, too.

No, not in the kitchen.

But at the same time, yes. I've percieved the role of a wife to be subservient to the man of the house, and taking care of him, because (heaven knows) most men can't really take care of things like women do. (cleaning house, cooking (well), constant laundry, raising kids while dad's at work, etc.) She must be an individual, and stand on her own strongly to support the man, while he holds the burden (spiritually and usually financially). Really, one without the other is do-able, if in the will of God, but not ideal. And really not something I'd want to pursue.

I think women should have jobs. To raise money before kids, and to spend time after kids. But i'm a full supporter of stay-at-home moms, if financially possible. I think women should have a life outside of the house (and away from their husbands). Women spiritual support groups, ministry opportunities, or even sport activities or hobbies. I imagine a girl can go crazy if all she has is her husband and kids for 18 years or so. Therefore, I support networking.

It seems as though Carter is peeved because women just dont have any hope any more because of their religion and/or culture. (He refers to Islamic tradition of strict rules and limitations on woman. How it relates to Baptists?--not sure.)

I'm putting my trust in the members of SBC to be pursuing and obeying God. If not, then women's rights is the least of everyone's worries.

I won't argue or discuss the matter of women having positions as deacons or chaplains and such. I don't have much knowledge in that field. All i know is that there are qualifications in 1 Timothy 3: 8-13 for deacons and their wives. Is it biblical to "vice versa" that?

I really do question where Mr. Carter has his foundation of women's rights. If he gives me a few good Bible references supporting himself, I would consider his article and separation a fight well fought, but right now, I'm just not so sure.

2009-06-19T20:04:00.000-07:00

you know its kinda funny...this whole worrying about my future thing...

when i pray i ask "what do you want me to do?"

i never realized that i shouldnt be asking that

because when i did i was asking 'what do you want me to do...with MY life?"

goodness. thats so stupid of me.
i gave up my life a long time ago...
and i still havent realized it.
i still think i'm living MY life
and not God's life..

thats a horrible way to say it but idk how else to.

but who am i to ask what to do with my life?
if i wanted to make my own decisions, i shouldnt have asked God to come into my life in the first place. that invitation gave God the controls over my life, so that i may live a life in Christ, not in myself.

Now, I'm not saying it's horrible to think in terms of "oh i should do this" sometimes, because situationally the best answer will come through that kind of thinking.
I actually recommend thinking "would this honor God?" in any situation.
but im coming to realize, as i await the long-time-in-coming answer of what to do with my life, that my life isnt my life to live...its my life ive given to God and for the purpose of His glorification.

meaning that if God gave me the gift of singing, and my singing honors God, then perhaps i should use that.

ive slowly come to the realization that God blessed me with the gift of singing for some reason...hmm...well maybe its cuz i should sing?

now that still leaves alot of questions unanswered... because its still possible to have another profession along with singing... or should my singing be my only thing? i know i dont have to worry about the money and stuff because God will provide if i'm within His will, but i cant help but consider it.

really and truly, if money werent a concern, i would sing.
is that a sign?

i have to give my life up fully to God, for God. and pray that in trusting my life to God, things will happen the way God wills them to...

its not up to me to make the decisions...yet i feel the pressure of choosing these things because i am the one who puts it on paper... and i'm still not sure what to do with that.

i hope i continue to learn.

I believe...

2009-05-01T21:06:00.000-07:00

I believe
that the world was created by "intelligent design"
but "intelligent" is such an understatement.
Glorious, Wonderful, Holy.
I believethat this "intelligent" designer also designed a man and a woman
that was my downfall
but he also designeda man as "intelligent" as he
in the most amazing "intelligent" sacrifice
saved me
from my sins and imperfections.
This designer created me, dirty, sinful, imperfect
to be beautiful...His very own daughter
if only I accept my place in His kingdom.
This "intelligent" man
who is limited to scientific theory
who is downplayed to relate to a religion that people rebuke
who is forgotten as we live our happy little sinful lives on this intelligently designed earth
still loves us.
Who are we to limit God? Who are we to put Him in a box, and limit his powers to theories so that we as stupid humans can understand Him?
Who are we to say that God has to follow these Laws of man?
Who are we to say that God HAS to love us? God HAS to forgive us? God HAS to create a happy little world where there is no hell and no heaven and everyone just lives happily ever after? that God HAS to forgive everyone who doesnt believe in Him just because they're good people? God HAS to save me and my fallen friends because if He doesnt well then He just doesnt exist! God HAS to make my life perfect! I said I believed in Him, so why do I still hurt? Why did He fail me?

Who are we to say that God owes us anything?

Who are we to believe that we deserve God? Freedom? Happiness?

In all honest truth, we deserve nothing.

We deserve to die. That's our punishment for sin.

Yet this "Intelligent designer" made a path for us to achieve all that we do not deserve.

Yes, it's sad that not all good people go to heaven. But they had a choice at some point, I can guarantee it. They chose to ignore the signs, or not listen to someone.

It's not like we deserve to have a choice of forgiveness anyway.

God doesnt HAVE to do anything. HE knows it, I forget it.
God doesnt HAVE to love me, but He does. More than anything I know God loves me.

This God who doesnt do enough justice for the world, who lets murderers live and rapists rape and kidnappers win and babies die and terrrorists succeed--does justice on me everyday. I feel convictions burning in my heart everyday, and that's justice in my life. But those people I listed, murderers rapists... they'll find their justice.

"For I, the Lord, love justice.
I hate robbery and wrongdoing.
I will faithfully reward my people for their suffering
and make an everlasting covenant with them."
Isaiah 62.8

If that's not justice, I dont know what is.

For me, it's very simple.

This "intelligent designer" that I believe in,
who created the world and everything surrounding it
who is massive and righteous and powerful and eternal
seeks "justice"

and that's all I need.

I believe
that the world was created by "intelligent design"
and nothing can shake me.

SHWAT?!

2009-04-27T19:40:00.000-07:00

So on Saturday I had the most amazing Birthday-date-day ever!!

Let's see....

Saturday afternoon, Riley picked me up..

...and we went to Barnes and Noble! haha we got our AP study books and journals (me for my senior signing, and riley just cuz...) then we t to Mardel's and returned Riley's not red-letter Bible and got a book.

...then we got Pei Wei take out!!!! =) and took it to Matzke Park to have a PICNIC!! =D i've never been to a picnic before...(one with less than 50 people)...and it was really sweet =)
...
..
and THEN...

DUN DUN DUN DUUUNNNN!!!!

I HAVE A ZUNE!

and i love it ooberly mucho much much much!

yep yep yep!

makes me really happy!!

...
...
and thus...my bday wish is fulfilled!!

then afterwords =) we baked a really good good cake (marble cake with black icing and sprinkles!)

and we completed the day with a classic movie that is a must see for everyone...

LION KING!

haha

my birthday so far is AWESOME and it's not even my birthday yet!

DISCLAIMER:
The zune was not free. haha he ain't that rich =) nor would i ask for that much =) I have to pay him back for some of it (most of it really) but its very awesome that he made it happen =) SO donations to the pay-riley-back organization is well accepted (as bday money if thou so chooses of course!)

sigh.
i love my bday!

My Arm is Complete Again!

2009-04-20T20:48:00.000-07:00

name that movie!!
haha

recently i've really needed some kind of motivation to keep on trying.
thus far, i've found nothing.
sigh.

MY BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP!!! =D
and I really want something...
i want an iPod.........touch.
dun dun dun!!!
well really that's what i want
and if erin's revealed plan fails, i'll take the money and combine it with what i'll earn this summer and buy myself one!

but at the same timee....maybe just a regular ole mp3 will be better for me, because i'm easily distracted. someone like me with a toy like the ipodtouch (i'm not gonna bother capitalizing it correctly) might not get much done.
BUT, though it's not as good as the iPhone, it's got some handy dandy...resources!
Riley's told me of things better than an iPod, so i should go check those out

here's a poll: what should I sing for my spring concert senior solo? for some reason, i've been singing At Last by Etta James over and over and i like it...
hmm...

on to a more serious note...i've gotten tired of being nice to people who aren't nice to me. I know it's a great thing to do...love and have patience...but i really just want to yell at the people who yell at me, backstab people who backstab me, ignore people who ignore me...but i wont...

part of the reason is that i hope that me being a good girl will come back and help me out in the future...

another part is that i know that i'm not perfect, so if i forgive a person for something, then i do something similar, hopefully they'll forgive me like i forgave them...

and a part is, of course, because God wants us to love everyone, not throw hot coals at their heads. Instead help them.

I don't understand how I can do this without some people i can handle, and who i don't really have to try to love...because it comes naturally.

I'm very thankful for those people. =)

well, i havent read my Bible yet today, so i shall go and do that.

night!

In answer to Riley's Update:

2009-04-15T20:33:00.000-07:00

Only if you pay!

Haha, just kidding!

I would love to go to prom with you, Riley Sheehan.

=)

Busy busy

2009-04-15T20:20:00.000-07:00

I'm quite angry with all of my teachers.
I don't like how they wait until the last week of the six weeks to give students all of the projects, quizzes, and tests.
e.g. Government. This week: 2 quizzes, 1 test, 1 major grade project.
aarrrggg

in other news I auditioned for the HBU FOCUS and refuge and I think I did well!
Even if I don't make it I wont regret it because I did my best =)

This weekend I'm spending a night in the dorms at HBU to experience the student life there! I'm excited! I hope that HBU is the place I'm supposed to be.

In more exciting news...I have a date for prom! Now, for all of you who just rolled your eyes at me, I'm just excited that I was asked! Of course, Riley, being the computer-savvy boy that he is, did it via computer.
teeheehee =)
if you consider it, it's really quite cute because...all the world can see! muahahaha
((it can be seen on his blog, btw. ))

for choir we're singing Twist and Shout (I dont know why, either) and chorale is doing a lion king medley (it's kinda cute) and Natalie Butcher and I are doing some duet i think as pre-area candidates!
as my senior solo song...I'm not sold. I could do The Call by Regina Spektor, but I've sang At Last by Etta James for half of my life.
Sigh. Decisions decisions.

The world was in mourning today as Riley's pet fish Ping Pong died last night of unknown natural causes. Rumor has it he is seeking a new gilled companion soon in Petsmart with his non-gilled companion(me). The ceremony and funeral will be held tomorrow at 1 by the toilet.

This was the random wednesday update by katie!
Brought to you by: Chocolate Bunnies...the Sweet Side of Easter!
What is the secret to a better chocolate cake? Next time, on Random Update with Katie!

Oh, Responsibilities.

2009-04-07T20:02:00.000-07:00

I had one of those days where suddenly everything clicks, and I yell "CRAP."

Yeah. I've been having alot of those lately.

This thing will be like a schedule of me complaining/mentioning about all the things that I have to do.

And these are NOT in priority order.

Now, please note, that I'm not complaining about the things... just the fact that I have to do them all at the same time...

Let's start with getting my Calc grade up to a passing grade. Yes, I admit it, I am not doing so hot in Calculus. But I'm trying so hard! I'm doing all of my homework, asking all of my smart friends to help me, and even tomorrow I'm going in to ask help from the teach. Oy, why did I get myself into this?

Next is keeping all my other grades A's. Singularly, that's not very hard. But that combined with everything else makes it tougher.

Now there's choir. Not choir choir, but managing the choir. Yes we got sweepstakes! WOO! But, now i have to throw a banquet. boo. Well i dont mind doing it. I'm actually enjoying it quite a bit, but somehow it tends to go down on my priority list as my day goes on. Still, I need to find fabric, prices for stands, established photographer information, make a check list of all the things needed, get the tshirts printed, keep my notes together, check that the payments go to the right people, copy the shirt design for ms paul, and find bamboo door-hangers.

Now there's HBU. I got a call-back for the FOCUS and Refuge auditions, which is great! the bad thing is that it's next wednesday, meaning it's SOON and I dont feel like I have time to get completely ready!! I'm freaking out about that!!!

Private voice lesson recital is coming up, and Mrs. White is having me sing Il Bacio, which is a really long, slightly complicated song that I dont think I have time to learn!!

Graduation announcements need to be done soon. So do Banquet and Prom plans. So much planning!!! Oh, and birthday planning. That's a biggie, too.

Specifically this week, I'm a part of two worship bands. One has two practices and one show...the other has one practice and no shows until (technically) next week. I'm getting alot of band practice this week. I love it, but it's alot!!

And Lastly, sadly, but DEFINITELY not least...I'm having a hard time dedicating time AND focus to God. So much is in my mind (music, planning, ideas, equations...) that I don't feel like I'm spending raw time with God, which really depresses me, and I dont feel like I can control the chaos in my mind sometimes. Or, when I finally get my mind to calm down, I fall asleep when I'm praying, and then I feel guilty when I wake up, and then I fall asleep again while I'm praying for forgiveness and praising for patience, then I wake up feeling guilty...and it's just a bad cycle.

I don't know how conventional this is, but I wanted to ask that for those who have a spare thought...pray for me that I may be able to sit and focus and dedicate part of my day to God. I really need some silence in my life, and I want to give that silence as worship to God.

As for those smarties who notice the irony of this blog (i have no time...yet here i am writing a blog!) I'm taking time out of my 'me' time to write this. This is me splurging what's on my mind, which I have to do almost everyday, either verbally (to someone else or even to myself) or on paper.

Well, this is all that I have for today!!

Your Sister in Christ

say hello to fame

2009-04-01T14:23:00.000-07:00

ladies and gents, this lowly girl is now a PUBLISHED AUTHOR!!

woo!

well, okay, i've been published twice before, but this time i got money for it!
according to the letter, i got top ten out of thousands of entries, for this poem I wrote about artists! haha, now i know what to write about.

note to self, when submitting something to someone, write about something those someones can relate to.

That is my advice. Now that I am oh so wise and published.
teehee =)

Along with my letter of good joy about being published, I recieved my acceptance and scholarship letter from HBU. That was pretty exciting!!
Now as for those who do not know, I am still officially undecided.
But that doesnt mean i really am.
No, I havent decided.
But i'm tilting.

moving on to the subject of deciding colleges, it's taken me alot of prayer, reading, and time alone to get me to where i am. To comfort those who care, I'm just trying to make the best decision according to what God wants for me. Since I've never been recieving flashing neon signs pointing out the answers, I'm waiting till I'm sure.

And i'm not announcing anything until i'm sure. =)

next, let's move on to what I'm reading.
The Bible.
Yep, that's pretty much it.
I just recently started reading Ecclesiastes.
Random? Yes.
But I realized that I've never actually read anything from there so I thought I'd give it a try.
Ironically, it's making me slightly depressed.
The first two chapters really are about how meaningless life is... why work so hard just so that when you die, you have to give it to someone who didnt work hard for it?
Why depend on material possessions anyway, if we're just going to die?
Really, it's quite depressing.
First emo book.
BUT it's all true, because what i get out of it is that wisdom cannot be achieved through things or experience, but through the pursuance of God and the passion to be god-like. Then our inheritance is the wisdom that wisdom doesn't make a person better, it just makes them know more things about the world. Being Christ-like re-creates a person. I guess it's making a 'better person' but it's taking that old person, crucifying them, and creating a whole new human who has a passion for Christ. True wisdom comes from that experience. The wise are those who have been reborn. There is no reward for working hard, for having several material possessions, or even for being wise, but there is the greatest reward for pursuing God's heart and living to be like Him and honor Him.

The hardest thing to do is to make the right decision to do what honors God the most.
What makes it harder is that somethings vary from person to person.

A well known example of this is dating. Many friends of mine think that it would be dishonoring to God if they started a relationship with someone. But I know that I am not dishonoring God by dating Riley. Note: what i mean by 'honoring' and 'dishonoring' is 'respecting.' e.g. i am honoring God's will by not dating/dating. But it also goes with the other definition, which means a reverence or respect. Through my relationship, i have learned what it means to honor God even more. Surely, my relationship is not dishonorable!

Well, I will end my spiel for now.
Have a good life!

Nummer Eins

2009-03-31T15:37:00.000-07:00

I have converted to the world or bloggers.

Though, sadly, I will never be one of you.

Thus, I'll be a fo blogger.

=) so just roll with me and we'll see how this goes =)

III dont really have anything to say here except that I found something else to spend time doing something else that I don't need to be doing.

Currently I'm obsessed with several TV shows (Ugly Betty, The Big Bang Theory, CSI: Miami, Fringe, House, Numb3rs, Ghost Whisperer, Psych, The Mentalist...), added with a bit of Facebook, a little bit of writing time, toss in a bit of home work, and I've got a full day! But now adding blogging...well, what can I say? I'm intrigued!

Let me warn you... I know nothing about computers. So all you with these shnazzy blogs...yes I will look sad. I admit it now. But whatever. You win. All I have is my pride! but not in computers =)

So this is my own little welcome party for myself!
That sounds lonely.
But really, I'm quite excited.
Welcome, self, to a more nerdy past time!
Woo!